Opposition to the very idea of Obamacare… the Affordable Health Care Act… by the Republicans was always a simple, two-pronged idea.
1. We hate Barack Obama. He should not be president. We have ideological reasons, some of us have racist reasons, many of us are willing to believe he is an illegal, foreign agent who shouldn’t even be allowed to be president. We will oppose everything he stands for, especially the idea that health care is a right that the federal government can help to make accessible to as many Americans as possible through this law, which will bankrupt the country in short order.
2. Republican politicians, from the most moderate to the tea-party-est whackjob “Freedom” Caucusites alway agreed on their hate for Obama, but would never admit their opposition to the ACA wasn’t that they were worried it would miserably fail… it was their fear it would SUCCEED. Republicans opposed the Social Security Act in 1935, The Medicare Act in 1965, and the Affordable Care Act in 2010. Three strikes and they knew they’d be out.
Fear of poverty and sickness, not just in old age but for one’s lifetime, has been addressed, not perfectly, by those three laws. One of the 3 is not like the others, in that there were no continuous, sustained efforts to repeal and actually undermine SS and Medicare after they passed. Yes, Reagan RAILED and campaigned against Medicare before its passage, but 10 and 14 years later when he ran for president he didn’t promise to repeal it on Day One. Or ever. In fact, Social Security, and Medicare (and Medicaid) have been altered and improved upon since their beginnings. Now Trump and his Band of Losers face the music, and so far all we’ve heard is that they lie about the current overall state of Obamacare and promise to do everything to continue to sabotage the current law, punishing millions of Americans in the process.
So, Republicans… do you love and care about real Americans, or does your never-ending hate for Barack Obama and your fear the law is succeeding in spite of your efforts to screw it up override your now-discredited ideological quest to repeal and replace with something 100 times worse? Tell us more about your “patient-centered” ideas, please.
I KNEW TRUMP WAS INCAPABLE of even the slightest hint of humanity, but the darkness of this speech was beyond that. A third-rate version of his campaign appearances… minus the always crowd pleasing recitiation of primary victories, the size of the crowd, and some shots at the dishonest press. No shining city on a hill, but a third-rate, disheveled slum, is the country he leads. Well we’re living here in Allentown. And they’re closing all the factories down. Only I can fix it. Certainly no “ask what you do for your country.” The only thing we have to fear is Trump himself. Remember, he’s doing us a favor by giving up his life for this.
Campaign manager Kellyanne Conway explains he’s actually settling and we should all appreciate that. In fact, Conway said Friday morning on FOX, President Trump made “enormous sacrifices” to become president. “He actually gave up more money, more power, more prestige, more position than he will have,” she said.
American nationalism to the world; bite-me-if-you-didn’t-vote-for-me to the electoral majority of Hillaryville. The world is put on notice: not just America First, but America First and Only. No gracious tip of the hat to previous presidents. It’s not what he does. Repeal the recent past and he’ll get back to you with the details. Let the world know, from this day forward, that the contents of Donald Trump’s Inaugural Speech were merely the seeds immediately planted for his reelection. He will soon hit the rally trail again, quoting himself from what he’ll term as the greatest inaugural speech ever. The crowd will cheer the brag… he’ll soak up the love… and they will eat up the idea of the Trump Permanent Campaign. Why really run something when it’s more fun to run for something?
Great to see Paul Anka is still active. He asked me to help him with rewrites of his biggest hits and then I got a call from Lee Greenwood, too! Glad to help.
In addition to a special “F-U, Losers,” rewrite of “My Way,”“Diana” has been retooled.
“I’m so old and you’re so young
Thinking where to stick my tongue
I don’t care just what they say
‘Cause forever I will pray
You and I will be as free
As the birds up in the trees
Oh, please, stay by me, Ivanka
Because I’m old our days are few Why’d you marry that slimy Jew? Oh Ivanka, can’t you see I love you with all my heart And I hope we will never part Oh, please, stay with me, Ivanka”
Particularly proud to help out old friend Lee Greenwood with his classic.
God HELP The USA
“If tomorrow all the lies he told Didn’t win him the job as prez He’d be stuck in that stupid tower And Rachel Maddow’s still a lez
I’d have thunk my lucky stars For the white trash working class If their good sense would have seen That the Con Man is an ass
And I’m proud to be an American Where we used to sorta be free Then V. Putin hacked and Comey backed God Help The USA!”
You may have had a parent or teacher use the admonition: “your mouth is ahead of your brain….” which, of course, is advice to think before you speak. Social media has obviously exacerbated this problem… typing before thinking. People lose jobs, relationships… you know the deal. America is a week away from its president being the prototype of this problem. Over and over again, he speaks or tweets with no preparation or thought or insight, just the spontaneous ignorance of a fool. I think it’s even more fair to go back well before Trump was a candidate, when his Twitter feed was barely noticed…. a dark foreshadow of what was to come. October, 2014 for this drivel about “Blackish,” the well-constructed hit comedy on ABC.
So much wrong in just 24 words.
1. “How is ABC Television allowed to have a show entitled “Blackish”?
The answer, Donald, is that they are “allowed” because we have a free country and there is no one “deciding” what a show is “allowed” to be called. (Plus, you’re supposed to put the question mark INSIDE the quotation marks) After your Hitlerian-style beatdown of Jim Acosta of CNN this week and your singling out of other news outlets and reporters for years, can we look forward to a new Trump agency: The Department of Allowing Stuff Only That Trump Likes… Or Gets?
2. “Can you imagine the furor of the show, “Whiteish”!
(I won’t dwell on the ignorance of the punctuation again) Can a show have “furor?” Of course Trump was really too careless and lazy to say correctly, “can you imagine the furor OVER a show called “Whiteish?” The answer is there would be none, unless it was rattling around in your mind that your imaginary “Whiteish” was a Brietbart-produced weekly celebration of whiteness as an endangered segment of America about to be overrun by the OTHER. This week’s guest host, David Duke. He must think Blackish is JayZ/Beyonce/Al Sharpton celebration of black folks at his expense. How come we don’t celebrate whiteness, huh? Hey Donald, are you still upset over “White Men Can’t Jump?”
3. “Racism at highest level?”
Uh…. no, not at all. Trump clearly had never seen the show. And what is that high level you speak of? As president will you be calling Bob Iger, CEO of Disney, to lodge your complaint? Trump’s entire pathology of Impulsive Ignorance is on display here. This is only about a tv show. Soon he’ll be tweeting and speaking with the power to move markets, start wars, to destroy people and companies who do not bow down to him. Bring this up to someone who voted for Trump and they’ll parrot his response to the indefensible: “he won.” It won’t be the last time we hear that one. We’re about to find out as we never have before that elections have not just big consequences, but catastrophic ones. And that’s not fake news.
It’s bad enough, if you’re Donald J. Trump, that you may be headed to a devastating loss. The intoxication of the crowds and the applause and the rote chanting–“lock her up,”“Mexico,” and the one he thinks was written just for him, “USA, USA, USA,” will suddenly end, as it would for any presidential loser. People who actually bought into his impossible nightmare will go back to their lives, and Trump will spend the rest of his days blaming and justifying and spinning and trying to reclaim the life he had before becoming a candidate. Most of us would be happy if that’s all he did, conceding gracelessly but leaving the United States relatively intact, having bloodied a major political party, media, basic human decency, and causing a split in the country as wide as Vietnam. No, Donald, Hillary’s email thing wasn’t “worse than Watergate.” You, Donald Trump, singularly may turn out to have been worse than Watergate.
Trump is the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famousguy lyingly claiming he was running as a sacrifice for his country, which he lyingly claimed needed him as the “only I can fix it” guy. One of his most famous lies is the one about wanting to release his taxes but he just can’t because they’re under audit. That’s a classic Trump whopper because it does what he does best: pile misdirection and disinformation on top of a hidden agenda, reaching a conclusion that is then defended by his Excuse Squad, then burying the subject at the back of the line when other outrages displace it. It’s always been about protecting whatever phony image he has projected all these years, now horrendously backfiring. Keeping his taxes under wraps has always been about making sure the world doesn’t know down to the penny what a tax-evading, stingy with charity, not as rich a guy as he’s portrayed himself, preserving that image for after the election. But a presidential campaign really does strip the bark off you, paraphrasing the late Lee Atwater referring to his destruction of Michael Dukakis in service to George HW Bush in 1988. The exposure of the fraud that is Donald Trump has forever tarnished his sacred brand, to the point where new hotels won’t even have his name on them anymore. Any previous perception of high-quality, best-in-breed Trump-anything has been down-scaled by the chattering class’s disgust with Trump and his classless, third-rate, hateful persona overtaking the false image.
Were there ever emptier words from a candidate than the ones that made it clear that his candidacy was never about him, but about “you,” or some variation thereof? Yea, right. From the Dean of the Trump University School of Narcissism….
When the FBI called off the dogs 10 days after releasing the Hounding of Hillary, the entire world breathed a sigh of relief. Financial markets roared their approval that the Greatest Businessman Ever wasn’t going to repeal and replace with nothing, build a wall, End the Fed, and charge everyone 35% more for a Ford subcompact or an air conditioner built in Mexico.
As much as the conventional wisdom leaned on the cliche that Americans, in general, say we’re going in the wrong direction, it’s just a lazy explanation for hate, racism, and (what used to be) conservative complaining that no one takes personal responsibility for anything and it’s The Others’ Fault. Clue…. we ALWAYS think we’re going in the wrong direction…. more on that from Leonard Pitts here: A black man was elected president and white people lost their minds. Trump’s “Make America Great Again,” stolen from Reagan, was always about simply turning back the clock to a mythical thrilling yesteryear that never really was that can never be replicated. Low-skill factory jobs are never coming back, no matter how many promises demagogues like Trump roll out. The steel mills aren’t reopening in Pittsburgh, cheap textiles will never come from South Carolina like they did 50 years ago, and Apple is not about to build iPhones here. The calculations have been made. If you’re too lazy to click…. the answer is $2,000.
Finally, my back of the envelope calculation says this: that things just aren’t really quite bad enough economically for most Americans that they want to take the ultimate chance by rolling the dice with the Unstable One. Gas is really, really cheap these days. It’s amazing how that’s such a big issue around an election when it’s high… and how it disappears when it’s so low on a historical basis like it is now. And the old misery index: Unemployment plus inflation… fuggetabout it.
For way too long, as we now realize, many of us thought that this was really just one big dare, one big joke that got out of hand and took on a life of its own, and that Trump never really wanted to be president as much as he just didn’t want to lose trying to be president. Donald J. Trump always declares himself to be the winner and even if he’s not, he just lies and says he won. Not this time. The national exhaustion at the year-and-a-half of this man’s brain chemistry experiment gone bad is about to end. While we know this isn’t the beginning of the end but the end of the beginning of some legitimate issues Trump clumsily raised, maybe we can start with something small… like adding a ninth justice to the Supreme Court. That would be special.
6:18 pm—Reince Preibus is forced to comment when the media exposes a “Roger Ailes Defense Fund” fundraiser that features a cardboard standup of former Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson in the lobby of Quicken Loans Arena. Convention goers are encouraged to have their photos taken with cardboard Gretch as they put their hands on her boobs. At $20 a pop, organizers are able to raise more than $90,000 before they’re shut down
7:15 pm–Several RNC staffers are interviewed leaving the arena after being fired. At least twelve of them were dismissed by Trump after telling the nominee that they couldn’t get a B-2 flyover to happen indoors. The staffers express relief at “being able to get the hell out of Cleveland”
7:49 pm–Melania Trump addresses the delegates. Thirty seconds in, they realize she’s delivering The Gettysburg Address. As they begin booing, Mrs. Trump deftly switches and starts reciting the lyrics to American Pie
8:16 pm–The nominee introduces his daughter Tiffany as “the daughter I only kind of want to bang”
9:03 pm–Trump brings the ballpark idea of the “Kiss Cam” to the RNC, but it turns tragic when a 75-year-old delegate from Arkansas has a heart attack while making out with a hot 68-year-old. Trump is seen motioning for the EMTs to get the deceased man “the hell out of here” before Ted Nugent’s set
10:10 pm—Scott Baio is heard in the hospitality suite complaining that he couldn’t find a woman under 45 to take back to the hotel. He also complains that everyone keeps calling him “Chachi” and they all seem to have forgotten “Charles in Charge”, which is also the name of the sex move he wanted to show someone under 45 in his hotel room
11:06 pm—Chris Christie passes out after minute six of his speech when his blood sugar falls dangerously low. It takes a while for medical personnel to realize something is wrong, as his eyes have been lifeless since April. Trump, once again, violently urges the EMTs to “get him the hell out of here”, so that Charlie Daniels can perform his stirring anthem “Obama, You Suck”
11:33 pm–Day two is gaveled to a halt after an impromptu salute to Roger Ailes. An unidentified old man chases Kimberly Guilfoyle around the stage and attempts to grab her butt. The crowd cheers when Guilfoyle trips, but the 83-year-old man is unable to capitalize, as he sustains a fatal heart attack. Trump, once again, tells the EMTs “get him the hell out of here” because his crews need to put up the replica set from Caligula for night three
One thing that is a 100% sure bet: The Republican Convention in Cleveland will draw the highest television ratings we’ve seen in our lifetimes. Why wouldn’t it? Trump’s Delusion…. that he’ll actually be elected president… makes its last stand in a totally controlled environment this week. When the Nielsens come in huge he’ll predictably brag about them and add the rating number to the insufferably boring recitation of the victorious glory days of primaries past he spits out, from memory, to kill 40% of the time at his rallies.
Speaking of controlled environments, I was in Cleveland over the Fourth of July weekend and one of my lifetime complaints has been addressed there: smoking in casinos. I wondered if I was the only person in the world who liked to play blackjack but hated smoking and the smell of the casino. The Jack Casino in downtown Cleveland is smoke-free. Delightful. Las Vegas made the calculation years ago that the connection between smoking and gambling was too strong to risk banning it. Risk what? That people just won’t gamble, or gamble as much if they can’t smoke for a few minutes or hours at the Bellagio? That always made as much sense as the fake warnings airlines issued when it was suggested flying become smoke-free. (the law officially changed in 1990) Nervous flyer-smokers were supposedly being denied their Constitutional rights, would stop flying and the airline business would come to an unprofitable end. Try telling someone under 40 that at one time you could smoke on an airplane. They won’t believe you.
That stolen George Burns/Groucho Marx quote appears to be what will decide this presidential election that eclipses all others in having two candidates with such high negatives, albeit for different reasons. If you’re an undecided voter, you need to consider whether you think that the past, horrible or allegedly horrible things that the candidates have done in their public and business lives are likely to be a replicable roadmap to their behavior as president. Or, are the most egregious errors that will be pointed out simply unfair exaggerations that can always be countered with, “yea, but what about?…..”
No matter what Secretary of State Hillary Clinton did regarding her cavalier attitude towards email security, do you believe she’d actually try to continue to have a private server as President Hillary Clinton, caring so little about state secrets that she’d continue her careless ways unabated… she must hate America even more than Barack Obama? If not and you think that last sentence was written by Sean Hannity, then she should get your vote. If you don’t think she went on a 15-hour bender, sleeping through the Benghazi disaster, only to wake up for 3 minutes to call off the readily available troops to rescue Chris Stevens and company, then she should get your vote. If you think the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy outweighs Hillary Clinton’s own personal foibles and insecurities, she should get your vote.
If you don’t believe that Donald Trump stiffs his contractors and workers, trying to negotiate them down, he should get your vote… if you don’t believe that in 2006 he started Trump Mortgage specifically to become a lending slumlord, read this:Cleveland’s Pain Was Donald Trump’s Gain.
A deeply reported story on NextCity.org from local writer Dan McGraw looks at how the Republican Party is about to nominate in Cleveland a man who encouraged investors to exploit the foreclosure crisis. Donald Trump “once sold subprime mortgages through a short-lived venture called Trump Mortgages and taught America, through a for-profit education company he founded called Trump University, how to profit from foreclosures,” the story notes. In the same year that Slavic Village neighborhood of Cleveland lost 783 homes to foreclosure, Trump University “was running ads with a picture of its founding namesake and the message, ‘Investors Nationwide are Making Millions in Foreclosures … And So Can You!,’ ” McGraw writes.
If you think the above is malarkey, vote for Trump. If you believe his explanation on why he, allegedly the richest guy to ever be a nominee, refuses to release his tax returns (it’s not the law that he has to…. he’s under audit… the Yankees lost 3 in a row….)…. if you don’t care that his returns would show how little he’s ever given to charity, how much lower his yearly income is than would be typical of someone of his alleged net worth, how little in actual income tax he has been paying…. that he hypocritically demanded the VP-Political Apprentice candidates show him their returns…. then vote for Trump.
My macro-confidence grows over some things that have always stuck out, for me, about Trump. He is the richest, most brilliant businessman guy I’ve ever seen who has never produced one person who has said, “he made me rich.” Every other mogul spawns disciples. The real people who’ve had any kind of financial dealings with Trump, directly or indirectly, seem to be people he’s ripped off and destroyed through schemes and scams over the decades. The tax return thing is so far beyond inexcusable that it cannot be explained away. And picking Mike Pence to show what a Team Unity Player he is should be seen as the transparent, ultimate flip-flop that it is. The establishment Republicans can like me…. they can really like me!
Here are some key words for the Republican Convention Drinking Game: God, Obamacare, 35%, Mexico, China, the blacks, the Hispanics, women, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, bathrooms, Second Amendment, tennis balls, law and order, Benghazi, Lyin Hillary, Radical Islamic Terrorism, Obama, Nobama, Lebron, apologize, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, dishonest, illegal alien, Cleveland Orchestra, Republican Party, Titanic. Enjoy the show!
The guy who never misses an opportunity to miss an opportunity delivered (in his name) a deliberately less than completely inflammatory reaction (for him) to the police shootings in Dallas. But it was bad enough.
Sorry, Trump does not merit even the tiniest benefit of the doubt with his pathetic, boilerplate “statement” Friday morning. Read it closely:
“It is a coordinated, premeditated assault on the men and women who keep us safe. We must restore law and order. We must restore the confidence of our people to be safe and secure in their homes and on the street. The senseless, tragic deaths of two motorists in Louisiana and Minnesota reminds us how much more needs to be done.”
The first word that had no place in there was, “coordinated.” That would indicate more than one person was involved. Trump didn’t know whether that was true when the statement was issued. It is a textbook example of rushing to judgement with no facts, just misinformed speculation. He may turn out to be right…. then will brag he “knew” it first and predicted it. It makes sense, however, when you remember he’s America’s Conspiracy Theory Champion… conspiracies by definition involve more than one person. Like the one where all the people helped fake Obama’s birth, citizenship, and education. Or new FOD (Friend of Donald) Ted Cruz, now speaking at the convention, whose father was involved in the conspiracy to kill JFK. Remember, Trump learned that courtesy of the National Enquirer…. which provides the all time greatest campaign scoop headline: “JOHN F. KENNEDY’S SECRET SON ENDORSES DONALD TRUMP!”
Nice dog whistle code putting Nixon’s “law and order” in there, too. Does a generalized call for law and order have anything to do with Philando Castile of Minnesota, the motorist (actually a passenger) who you (conveniently) forgot to mention was black, who got shot obeying a policeman’s order? The sloppiness of calling them “two motorists” when Alton Sterling in Baton Rouge was not in a car is pathetic. That it was semi-corrected later means nothing. It shows a total lack of attention to facts and detail. Amazingly, he’d have been better off just calling them “two black guys.”
“Our nation has become too divided. Too many Americans feel like they’ve lost hope. Crime is harming too many citizens. Racial tensions have gotten worse, not better. This isn’t the American Dream we all want for our children,” Trump said. “This is a time, perhaps more than ever, for strong leadership, love and compassion. We will pull through these tragedies.”
But most importantly of all, I have this question: did the campaign tie up Trump in a rubber room, not permitting him to call “the shows,” forcing out this type of mealy mouthed politician statement? Aside from the NYC Police Commissioner telling Trump to f— off when he wanted to visit a local precinct to pose for a photo op with NYC cops, they must have put him in a straight jacket most of the day. The statement was so obviously written by someone else… not Trump… that it is, in the end, worthless. That’s not his voice. He doesn’t talk like that, he doesn’t write like that…. it’s not his language. Spit at the tv if you hear Trump given some kind of “credit” for this “presidential”-type statement in these circumstances.
Later, he put out another non-Trump-type statement on Facebook. I have to tell the truth…. it’s both amusing and sad, very sad, believe me.… to see the guy who trashes Hillary for using a teleprompter brag about his lack of need for one using a teleprompter under duress.
So much of Trump’s whole way of approaching, or rather attacking life is, as I’ve said, sensing the crowd, sensing the audience and either telling them what they want to hear or knocking them off their stride with unpredictable, aggressive tactics. You can do that in a sit-down with a fellow mogul over lunch where you go from 0 to 60 with over the top tactics they’re not expecting or used to. But that’s an immediate, almost intimate encounter; you can likely only pull it on the same person a limited number of times. (Remember, only one major bank, DeutscheBank, will do business with Trump. He’s shut out at all the rest.) But the stage Trump is now is quite a different one. There are a lot of people out there and people have a lot of time to watch. Trump has passed himself off for decades as a great philanthropist. Only under the hot glare of presidential election scrutiny has that claim been revealed to be more or less baseless.
A great salesperson can say something so magnificently and convincingly that you believe because you want to believe even if it makes no sense at all. Salespeople tell stories, beautiful or horrifying ones. Trump can say Hispanics actually love him. But in his meeting this morning with House Republicans he was talking to people who have been inundated by evidence and have an existential need to know the truth. The standard issue bullshit is just no easy match for that audience under those circumstances.
It’s almost as if there’s a pathological need by the Clintons to periodically supply their enemies with a new Dangling Participle of Scandal That Never Was, which gets added to the Permanent Pile of The Never Really Proved. Nice move there…. shifting the “can he be disciplined and not say or do stupid stuff?” card, even temporarily, away from Trump.
Two versions of this latest entry from the What the Hell Were You Thinking Dept, Unforced Error Division:
An aide to Bill Clinton confirmed to CBS News that the meeting wasn’t planned in advance: President Clinton saw the attorney general on the tarmac and wanted to say hello, so he boarded her plane to talk….
The meeting comes as former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is still under investigation for her email practices–and also came the day before House Republicans released a report criticizing the Obama administration’s response to the 2012 Benghazi attacks.
Lynch told reporters that the topics of Benghazi and Clinton’s email server did not come up, and that she and Clinton spoke largely about his grandchildren, golf and travel.
“Actually, while I was landing at the airport, I did see President Clinton at the Phoenix airport as I was leaving, and he spoke to myself and my husband on the plane,” she said. “Our conversation was a great deal about his grandchildren. It was primarily social and about our travels. He mentioned the golf he played in Phoenix, and he mentioned travels he’d had in West Virginia.”
“There was no discussion of any matter pending for the department or any matter pending for any other body,” Lynch added. “There was no discussion of Benghazi, no discussion of the State Department emails, by way of example.”
Yes, we know Bill Clinton is just so damn friendly that his good, Southern manners absolutely wouldn’t allow him to not pay a visit to the one person on earth who, if she were not above reproach, might possibly be influenced by the husband of Hillary Clinton, subject of the Hardy Boys latest: The Case of the Dripping E-Mails. How serendipitous for them: two ships in the Hillary Navy passing one another in open water in the Phoenix airport!
The stupidity of putting Attorney General Lynch in the position of having to say specifically the things the two of them didn’t talk about (no discussion of Benghazi, no discussion of the State Department emails) will mean to the Never Hillary crowd, led by Trump, to say those items were exactly what they talked about. If I was advising the Republicans here I’d take the Lynch denial and merge it with “I want you to listen to me,” he said. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.” And the issue will float along right up until election day, even though nothing can be proven and Lynch’s integrity is unassailable. Just add it to the list. Just don’t call it Lorettagate.
June 30, 2016–In a tragic misunderstanding, The Duchess of Cambridge throws Prince William‘s wardrobe and personal effects onto the front lawn of Kensington Palace, saying that she had to expedite the process, as, in the future, there would be fewer immigrants to help her with the task
July 4, 2016–Donald Trump produces a gigantic American-themed fireworks show near the London Eye, complete with John Philip Sousa marches blaring to the crowd and free nachos for everyone. Many people who voted for the Brexit seem happy, but a little confused by the celebration
July 5, 2016–Trump declares his intention to stick around for a few days in England to help dismantle the NHS. This offer is roundly rejected, but Trump saves face by giving out coupons for free rounds of golf
August 13, 2016–In another misunderstanding, South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley ships the entire state surplus of confederate flags to Queen Elizabeth
September 10, 2016–Sir Paul McCartney briefly considers renouncing his British citizenship and becoming Canadian, but quickly decides it’s not that bad
November 12, 2016–Following Trump’s victory in the U.S. presidential election, the President-Elect phones the Queen and asks if there’s anything that would not allow him to also be Prime Minister. Queen Elizabeth faints, but, fortunately, is caught by three servants before she can suffer a concussion
December 15, 2016–President-Elect Trump threatens to bomb Scotland if they decide to stay in the European Union. White House aides change the nuclear codes for the sixth time that day
February 9, 2017–Former Prime Minister David Cameron is seen weeping as he strolls through the streets of London mumbling “What went wrong? Who am I? Why am I here?”
March 21, 2017–The English Tourism Commission releases their new slogan “Still Zika Virus Free”
April 8, 2017–A special commission releases it’s findings that the alarming lack of violence at football matches is due to a national malaise over the Brexit. Fortunately, a majority of Britons still think Manchester United are rubbish
May 26, 2017–After being taunted by Germany for the better part of a year over the effects of the Brexit, England bans German porn. This triggers an economic crisis, but President Trump promises that America will step in to consume even more than ever before