Trump Forfeited His Constitutional Right To Sarcasm The Minute He Announced



Those of us who have a growing sense of relief that this edition of Our Long National Nightmare Is Over is about to go to press…. that Donald J. Trump is not only about to lose, but possibly lose bigly…. still have another two weeks or so of wishing the World Series would be a best of 15 that would continue right through November 8th.  But at least for now we have future Emmy winner Alec Baldwin on Saturday Night Live, who was screen-shot-2016-10-21-at-10-20-10-amlurking bigly in Donald Trump’s great brain as he seemed to be imitating Baldwin imitating him at the third debate.  That’s the debate where Trump was determined to get himself onto the alltime presidential debate highlight reel with “there you go again” and “I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine…” by playing a card not even in the deck and pre-announcing his non-acceptance of the result of the election because it has been so clearly “rigged.”  The next afternoon, Trump tried sarcasm:

“Ladies and gentleman I want to make a major announcement today,” Trump said, continuing, “I would like to promise and pledge to all of my voters and supporters, and to all of the people of the United States, that I will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election …”

But there was more. Trump then finished that sentence with, “if I win,” seemingly admitting a strange logic: that a system rigged against him would be totally acceptable if that rigging ultimately worked out in his favor.

He smiled right after “if I win,” but it’s too late for that kind of subtlety and nuance from the guy who has millions and millions of people believing that he, alone, “can fix it.”

Thursday, October 20th, would be the same day that would end with his dropping trou at the Al Smith Dinner in New York in a bombing string of not-funny insults that made one wish for a Gong Show intervention..

I can’t remember at what point I lost my sense of humor about all this. It wasn’t on the granular, day to day basis of analyzing each successive dose of calculated insanity that drove each previous outrage to the back of the (Access Hollywood) bus. Easily disproven lies that pushed calls for violence at rallies pushed out attacks on Megyn Kelly’s humanity and Carly Fiorina’s face, which displaced the attack on the disabled reporter, John McCain’s military service and the non-existent Muslim celebrators of 9/11 he said he saw… the businesses that cut ties to him early on as he attacked Mexicans and promised to force them to build a wall, which was complimented by his call to shut down all Mosques (all of those things from a full year ago)…. this list could go on seemingly forever, right up to today…. it never really was funny.  A Gordian Knot of Knuttiness….

Maybe the urgency of the situational, national cancer that Trump has metastasized into was being signaled to us when he first leaned on the oldest, lamest excuse to try and wiggle out of whatever his latest limits-testing absurdity was at the time: it was a joke, I was being sarcastic, and you have no sense of humor for taking me seriously like all of the Angry, White Male Einsteins at my rallies who I love because they take me seriously.

When he slammed John McCain in July of 2015 because he said he likes “people who weren’t captured,” Trump then tweeted, “Captured or not, all of our soldiers are heroes.” He thought that might be the end of it. Do you recall saying to yourself that just the piece of video (here) of him saying that about McCain was way more sickening than lesser things that have sunk other candidates of the past?  The next day, his response to the universal condemnation reigning down on him set the pattern which we have seen literally hundreds of times since then. Here was the double down on the outrage, never apologize template being tested, early on. Via CNN:

Asked by ABC News whether he owes McCain an apology, Trump said: “No, not at all.”
“People that fought hard and weren’t captured and went through a lot, they get no credit. Nobody even talks about them. They’re like forgotten. And I think that’s a shame, if you want to know the truth,” Trump said Sunday.
“People that were not captured that went in and fought, nobody talks about them. Those are heroes also,” he said.
It wasn’t really funny then, but we were six months ahead of the first primary vote, and Trump was still an attention-grabbing novelty act that surely would close before it ever got out of Altoona. Wrong.


For awhile, Trump was going hot and heavy on saying things he knew he shouldn’t say by saying them and then telling you he wasn’t going to say them. Ha. Ha.  Here’s ABC’s version of the earliest use of a word that would come back to grab and haunt Trump really, really bigly as an October surprise via Billy Bushgate.

Ahead of the New Hampshire primary in February, Trump had been discussing Cruz’s remarks about waterboarding during the ABC News debate days earlier. 

“You heard the other night at the debate, they asked Ted Cruz a serious question: “Well what do you think of waterboarding?” Is it okay? And honestly I thought he’d say absolutely and he didn’t,” Trump told the audience.

After that, a woman shouted a crude word.

“Okay you’re not allowed to say and I never expect to hear that again,” Trump said in response. “I never expect to hear that from you again.”

But then Trump repeated the woman’s remarks.

“She said he’s a PUSSYthat’s terrible,” he said, before throwing his hands up.

Trump pointed to the fact that he was repeating the words of a supporter — rather than initially saying them himself –- as the reason why he said the word, nonetheless.

By this past week’s debate, Trump’s bizarre defensiveness surrounding all things Russian and all things Putin is another of those would disqualify anyone else things that’s been pushed to the background by other bundles of crazy.  But Trump, the man who would be way more likely to read Putin his Miranda rights than Hillary hers upon their respective arrests, held a news conference  at the Democratic Convention where he called (“sarcastically,” he said later) for Russian hackers to find the tens of thousands of deleted emails from Clinton’s tenure as Secretary of State, ABC reported.

“Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. I think you would probably be rewarded mightily by our press,” he said at the news conference.

When pressed about it later in the same news conference, he said “I hope they do” find the emails.

He later said it was a joke.

“Obviously I was being sarcastic and a lot of people really smiled and laughed. It was said in a sarcastic manner, obviously,” he told Fox News.

At a later event in Iowa, Trump was asked how voters are supposed to know when he is and isn’t being sarcastic.

“I think people understand that very… I think it’s very understandable,” he said.

No, it’s not understandable.  It’s not funny, and the game is almost over.


Convention Kvetching Conclusions 2016- Mourning or Morning in America?

Before the conventions, Donald J. Trump knew he was going to be outgunned in terms of star power, so he did what he always does: he bragged and lied about how the Republican convention “wouldn’t be the usual boring parade of politicians” … the entertainment value would have us all riveted to our seats…. and of course, the ratings would be HUGE. That type of reality show delivered us his 3rd wife Melania, ripping off Michelle Obama, his chief rival Benedict Arnold Cruz wearing a political suicide vest shockingly telling people to Screen Shot 2016-07-29 at 12.02.59 PM“vote their consciences,” and an angry, nasty, all-about-me-as-your-savior Trump acceptance speech that drew the same number of viewers that “choker, loser” Mitt Romney had in ’12. On July 4, the Associated Press had been reporting sterling fake optimism:

Trump’s team says he’s up to the challenge. “This is not going to be your typical party convention like years past,” said Trump spokesman Jason Miller. “Donald Trump is better suited than just about any candidate in memory to put together a program that’s outside of Washington and can appeal directly to the American people.” …Ivanka Trump predicted in a recent radio interview the GOP convention would be “a great combination of our great politicians, but also great American businessmen and women and leaders across industry and leaders across really all sectors, from athletes to coaches and everything in between….I think it will be a convention unlike any we’ve ever seen,” she said. “It will be substantive. It will be interesting. It will be different. It’s not going to be a ho-hum lineup of, you know, the typical politicians.”  

The result:

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Hillary Clinton’s convention stole Ronald Reagan’s sunny attitude about America’s best days being ahead of it, with plenty of military heroes and police officers for good measure. Finally the pre-speech bio on Thursday narrated by God.

Trump’s was voiced by Jon Voight.

Slight image edge to the Democrats.  I was worried when Chelsea Clinton played the dangerous “mommy read ‘Goodnight Moon’ to me” card, but Screen Shot 2016-07-29 at 12.11.32 PMthat turned out to not be a problem. 

Just like he learned from Vince McMahon in wrestling, when the ref catches you doing something illegal or just plain crappy you put up your hands, walk away, and say, “who, me?” Mediaite reports that the New York Times asked Trump about why his convention seemed haphazardly thrown-together, unlike the very coordinated and on-message Democratic convention and unlike Republican conventions of the past. “I didn’t produce our show — I just showed up for the final speech on Thursday,” he responded. In other words, Trump takes no responsibility, blames everyone else…. just the kind of “buck doesn’t stop here” presidency we all hope for.  There’s that invaluable, convincing, “we need a successful businessman like Trump” leadership on display.

If you saw this moving moment on Thursday: Khizr Khan, the Pakistan-born immigrant whose son Humayun was killed in Iraq in 2004, lecturing Donald Trump and asking if Trump had ever read the constitution he pulled out of his pocket…..

…. if you saw that moment you most certainly weren’t watching Fox News, now Roger Ailesless, which did its best to not broadcast the Democratic Convention while pretending to do so. They covered up literally every moment from the podium before 10:00 Eastern, running opposition guests on impossible-to-preempt OReilly and Kelly and usually squeezing the silent convention picture over to the side.  For exactly what your grandpa saw when Mr. Khan was speaking, see Slate’s great piece here.

In the end, the two conventions really ended up being Mourning in America vs Morning in America.  It’s our choice come November.

The Dark (K)Night of Cleveland

Professor Harold Trump arrived in Cleveland and began his final quest to close the sale.  That’s what salesmen do.

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I’m so depressed.  Because Donald Trump made me feel that way in Cleveland Thursday night. The United States, according to Trump, invoking a Reverse-Reagan, is a “tarnished city in a hole.”  I know I am right about this because over at Fox News they’re pounding away at the out-of-touchiness of people like me and everybody else on tv who said we had just seen a speech that was an attempted leveraged buyout of the Soul of America.  Howard Kurtz, like all who enter The Kingdom of Fox, checked his integrity at the door, said in a piece deceptively titled Trump Turns Serious, Rolling the Dice on a Policy-Packed Speech“Trump was all business, and his mission was to persuade wavering voters that he has the depth and discipline to run the country. In short, to pass the commander-in-chief test.”  Did it work?  More later.

The pre-speech film bio was mistitled, considering its pessimistic subject.  As a counterpoint to Bill Clinton’s 1992 seventeen-minute intro called The Man From Hope, Trump’s should have been billed as The Man From No Hope–Unless You Elect Him. When the history of this convention is finally written, let it be said that Melania The Plagiarizer had much better taste stealing from Michelle Obama than Donald did in stealing his ideas for dividing the country from the ’68-vintage Richard Nixon. “Law and Order” was better off being put away as a phrase from the ash heap of history and as a successful NBC police/law franchise. Believe me.  Roger Simon in Politico nails it:

Nixon used urban riots and racist fears to gain voter support. Trump has found a new enemy: “Nearly 180,000 illegal immigrants with criminal records, ordered deported from our country, are tonight roaming free to threaten peaceful citizens!”… “Roaming free” is the kind of vivid, fearful imagery that one needs to sell this kind of campaign. Expect more of it in the weeks ahead. The speech, whose transcript was footnoted on every page, promised action so swift that not a minute of the Trump administration would be wasted: “I have a message for all of you,” Trump said. “The crime and violence that today afflicts our nation will soon come to an end. Beginning on January 20, 2017, safety will be restored.” Don’t ask how.

Irony or coincidence? It all sinisterly ties together when you appreciate the connection between the deposed Fox News Chief Roger Ailes and Trump. Like tugboats passing in the night, Ailes was put out the door (with a cardboard box of mementos and $40 million) with Trump triumphant on the exact same day.  Ailes, whose foray into political coaching and consulting began with Richard Nixon in ’68, ends with his Fox News nurturing and fostering the legitimizing of the Insanity of Trump for these many years.  The consistency is wondrous.  Nixon listened to Ailes and turned around his nasty image via town hall meetings (new at the time) with “ordinary” citizens asking him humanizing questions.  Check one out here.

It’s not “Morning Again in America,” anymore as it was for Reagan’s syrupy, sunny reelection appeal in 1984.  It’s “Midnight Again in America,” according to Trump, who sets a new record for chutzpah by a self-proclaimed savior NOT in the specific role of Adolph Hitler by uttering these words to the nation:

“I AM YOUR VOICE…. Nobody knows the system better than me… which is why I alone can fix it.”

All that said, I hope I’m not wrong. Initial polling right after the speech, specifically on CNN, indicated mass approval of the Savior. BizPac Review: For viewers, a whopping 57 percent said they had a “very positive” reaction to the speech, while only 24 percent said the speech had a “negative effect.” Even more incredible for Trump was that 73 Screen Shot 2016-07-23 at 11.00.43 AMpercent of viewers said the policies proposed in the speech would move the country in the “right direction,” with only 24 percent saying otherwise. The speech left 56 percent of viewers saying they are “more likely” to vote for Trump.  

On his way out of Cleveland, Trump continued his feud with Ted Cruz and graciously complimented the National Enquirer for their award-winning work in general, and their remarkable, groundbreaking, fact-free-innuendo-laden non-investigation of the John F. Kennedy assassination in particular. “This was a magazine that, in many respects, is respected. They got OJ [Simpson], they got [John]Edwards, they got this. If that was The New York Times, they would have gotten Pultizers for their reporting. I’ve always said, ‘Why didn’t the National Enquirer get the Pulitzer surprise for Edwards? And OJ Simpson? And all of these things?”  Here he lies about his own lies… is this double-lying or lying squared? “I don’t know his father – I met him once – I think he’s a lovely guy,” said Trump. “All I did is point out the fact that on the cover of the National Enquirer, there’s a picture of him and crazy Lee Harvey Oswald having breakfast.”  It does me no good to ask about the reasons or the origins of the delusional breakfast reference in the middle of what should have been a gracious victory farewell to Cleveland.  Yea, right.

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A final footnote here at halftime, between conventions, was the reemergence of Tony Schwartz after 29 years to tell what he really knows about Donald Trump.  Schwartz wrote “The Art of the Deal.”  No, he really wrote the book by himself, with practically no help or cooperation from empty vessel Trump. According to NPR,

Schwartz says the portrait that he painted of Trump in The Art of the Deal is not accurate. “I helped to paint Trump as a vastly more appealing human being than he actually is. And I have no pride about that. … I did it for the money. It’s certainly weighed on me over the years,” Schwartz says. “Now, since he’s … in a position to potentially become president, it makes my decision back then look very different than it did at the time.”

“One of the chief things I’m concerned about is the limits of his attention span, which are as severe as any person I think I’ve ever met,” Schwartz says. “No matter what question I asked, he would become impatient with it pretty quickly, and literally, from the very first time I sat down to start interviewing him, after about 10 or 15 minutes, he said, ‘You know, I don’t really wanna talk about this stuff, I’m not interested in it, I mean it’s over, it’s the past, I’m done with it, what else have you got?’ ”

The idea of a president in an “incredibly complex and threatening world who can’t pay attention is itself frightening,” Schwartz says.

The number of people who know about Schwartz and will have read the original piece in the New Yorker this week is dwarfed 1000 to 1 by the number of people who know Trump from the image makeover in the book, perpetuated for 3+ decades by a co-dependent press, and his carefully-crafted by clearly false image as a strong, successful, decisive leader from Celebrity Apprentice.  God help the United States of America.



Why Brits and US Republicans Should Just STFU About Obama’s Brexit Stand



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I have no idea how this important vote will go.  Passionate views about immigration, Muslims, Britishness, sovereignty, borders, assimilation or lack of it…. the issues revolving around whether Britain should stay in the European Union or should it go touch every third rail ever forged.  It’s their choice.

The President of the United States, not surprisingly, has an opinion on which way he would like the vote to turn out. Back in April, he appeared alongside Prime Minister David Cameron urging stay, and even penned a column in the UK Telegraph that was titled: Barack Obama: As your friend, let me say that the EU makes Britain even greater that began this way:

“In 1939, President Franklin D Roosevelt offered a toast to King George VI in the White House. “I am persuaded that the greatest single contribution our two countries have been enabled to make to civilisation, and to the welfare of peoples throughout the world,” he said, “is the example we have jointly set by our manner of conducting relations between our two nations.”

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Not surprisingly, the first polls taken after the president’s “intervention” in British domestic affairs (having an opinion qualified as intervention for the purposes of public opinion polling) showed backlash movement against Obama’s urging to stay in the Union and anywhere from 55-60% disapproval that he even would render a public view in the first place. How dare he, of course. This may have been payback, 52 years in waiting, for the negative reviews seen here when the Beatles first arrived in America in 1964.  World-renowned rightwing music critic William F. Buckley had written in September of that year: The Beatles are not merely awful; I would consider it sacrilegious to say anything less than that they are god awful. They are so unbelievably horribly, so appallingly unmusical, so dogmatically insensitive to the magic of the art that they qualify as crowned heads of anti-music, even as the imposter popes went down in history as “anti-popes.”  

Even more not surprisingly, Republicans lectured President Obama for his unpresidential, out-of-line, possibly illegal, maybe impeachable-offense-level buttinsky tactics. On Monday 6/20, the Hill reported that…

Senators Ted Cruz (Texas), Mike Lee (Utah) and Jeff Sessions (Alabama) warned the President in a Monday letter not to try to influence Great Britain’s Thursday referendum to stay in the EU or leave, dubbed the Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 10.12.39 AM“Brexit.” The senators wrote that the U.S. should take “no official position” on the referendum, objecting to comments Obama made about it in April.“Regardless of the outcome of the United Kingdom’s referendum,” the senators wrote, “we firmly believe that the United States and the United Kingdom should continue to work closely together for the benefit of all.”

Just how upset were those three Senators when Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was invited over-the-head of the President to lobby the US Congress about the Iran nuclear deal?  Not very.  In fact, they were thrilled.  Was Netanyahu’s an “official position,” that could be construed as intervention in our domestic politics?  The answer is that of course Netanyahu was trying to influence the congressional vote… he did nothing illegal.. he was allowed to have an opinion… but ultimately failed and the deal went through.  Same rules apply to the President of the United States being perfectly within his rights to opine on the crucial Brexit vote.  So the Obama Double Standard stands…. and is not to be defied by any Republican Senator, ever. Let the hypocrisy and disrespect drip all the way to January 20, 2017.

In the end, no matter the outcome of the vote, we’ll be by the Brits’ side and they will be by ours.  As we were 75 years ago in WWII.

The British hardly have clean hands here.  Hang in with me. Much of the current American voter anger, strife, racial animus, and distrust of government goes far back in American History. You could even make the case that Donald Trump is the living embodiment of every divisive grievance you can think of, rolled into one, going back hundreds of years…..  that brings us to the US Civil War, more than 150 years ago.  Military History Monthly reminds us that

“When the South seceded in early 1861, it possessed at most 10% of the industrial base of the former Union. The young Confederacy would go on to make heroic efforts to create an industrial base, but even at its best could produce only a small fraction of the needs of a nation at war.

‘How, then, did the Confederacy fight on so long and bitterly? The output of British factories, mills, shipyards, and arsenals flooded through the Union blockade of Southern ports to provide the bulk of Confederate needs. Without that massive support, the Confederacy would surely have collapsed within 12 to 18 months. Given that the bloodiest years of the war were 1863-1865, it was British material support that allowed the vast majority of the blood-letting to occur.”

It could be just me, but I consider British military and industrial support for the South in the Civil War just a bit more explicit and interventionist than a politician, even a president, merely having an opinion on an upcoming vote.  It took Teddy Roosevelt, some 50 years later, to put the Civil War animosity to bed, forging the partnership we’ve had for more than 100 years.  Let the Brexit fish and chips fall where they may.



The Greatest, Yugest, Most Unconventional Convention Continues… It’s ConCon!

There is ComiCon, DragonCon, GeekGirlCon…. all kinds of conventions for like-minded people, but we’ve never seen anything like Trump’s Political ConCon, for the self-deceptive people who think the guy’s in it for them.Screen Shot 2016-04-25 at 11.13.40 AM

Predicting the next dissociative behavioral move by Donald Trump has been a fool’s game all along and is now taken off the boards. No more wagering, kids. The accompanying inability or unwillingness to challenge this man and expose the truth of him by most of the media (with few exceptions) makes them unindicted co-conspirators in his ascension to the nomination.  If he complains the delegate system is “rigged,” it must be true. If he accuses Cruz and Kasich of “collusion” to dare to try to stop him, it must be true.  No matter what nickname he attaches to anyone, repeat it for him and force the bullying victim to deny.  Play his game. Let’s have a fair and balanced discussion of everything Donald Trump vomits out of his mouth.

Trump’s run-from-the-gut, fantasy-pseudo-policy, blitzkrieg and belittle-the-opponent primary strategy has worked well for him.  His party popularity ceiling of 35-49% tops was breached in New York State when he got 60%, proving once and for all that New Yorkers… certainly the Republican primary ones… are as insular and provincially stupid as the hayseeds they believe live elsewhere.  At least the Democratic voters didn’t automatically pick the guy with the heavy Brooklyn accent just because he had a heavy Brooklyn accent.  Nice discretionary skills there.

Suddenly though, last week Trump decided to hire some fixer from the Republican Book of Blue Bloods– somebody named Paul Manafort, veteran of the Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bob Dole, George W. Bush and John McCain campaigns.  That meant the end of his Screen Shot 2016-04-25 at 11.16.59 AMformer campaign chief, Casey “Big Lebowski,” the amateur guy who almost went to Riker’s Island for grabbing the female reporter’s arm. He was humanely beheaded by a hooded supermodel and dumped into the East River, near the area where most dead mobsters reside.  Manafort, who may be a bigger liar than Trump himself, wanted the big boys in the party suits to realize that it was time to submit to the unstoppable, unbearable likeness of Trump.  He winked and told them not to worry.

“He gets it,” Mr. Manafort told RNC members. “The part that he’s been playing is now evolving into the part that you’ve been expecting. The negatives will come down, the image is going to change.”


It’s hard to decide how to take Manafort’s take on his boss.  What does Trump “get” here?  That he needed to be a 100% Mussolini-style fraud to the primary voters to secure the nomination, only to reveal what a wonderful, reasonable, studious, well-informed, principled, non-bigoted, non-racist, non-misogynistic, uniter of all peoples who never threatens nuclear war, no longer saying he’d dismantle the entire post-war framework of relationships we have with our friends?

I have squandered my resistance
For a pocketful of mumbles,
Such are promisesScreen Shot 2016-04-25 at 11.36.03 AM
All lies and jest
Still, a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest.


Lying right to Chris Wallace’s face, Manafort went on “Fox News Sunday” to say he was not referring to the candidate’s core beliefs, just his 9-month Don Screen Shot 2016-04-25 at 11.18.47 AMRickles/Andrew Dice Clay act.  So Trump believes all this crap?  Which is it?

“We were talking about evolving the campaign, not the candidate,” Mr. Manafort said. He sought to convince a skeptical Wallace that he was referring to how Mr. Trump talks to cheering followers at campaign events versus “when he’s giving speeches on policy, settings that are not rally-oriented.”

The syllogistic slop is, therefore, this:  Trump is not his campaign and the campaign is not Trump, believe me.

His new campaign guy is now out there trying to convince the 70% of Americans who have said they would never, under any circumstances, vote for Trump… trying to convince them that they should join Trump’s solid Republican core of followers (the one’s who’d be ok with him murdering someone on Fifth Avenue in broad daylight).  That core will have been officially betrayed by Trump; everything they liked him for… politically incorrect, tells the truth, the nationalistic/nativist rhetoric, birtherism against Obama and Cruz, it’s whites getting screwed, China and Mexico eating our lunch, hey, hey, ho, ho-all the Muslims have to go, more guns, more military…..  Mr. Manafort, do you mean it was all performance art…. a stunt, shtick, acting, a scripted reality show from Trump, Inc?

This will become the ultimate test for the Trumpanistas, the support-at-all-costs crowd.  Nothing can or would shake their allegiance to him, they say. But betrayal of the very reasons you liked him even before you met him…. and now a public admission he’d been lying to you about everything… has got to count for something, doesn’t it?  Or maybe it doesn’t.

You have to play it from the other angle, too.  Since Manafort is a campaign pro, a professional fixer/liar/spinner, you can assume he’s lying about Trump “getting it.” The very idea that Trump has the capacity or predilection to change his approach to campaigning all the way to November is absurd and is a desperation lie based on his towering negatives with the general electorate right now.  That Trump has forever, it seems, explicitly claimed his ability to be or not to be “presidential,” as if that behavior is like turning on a faucet, should have been enough, long ago, to sufficiently reveal the fake that he is.  Ronald Reagan was an actor who became a politician.  Trump is an actor who is remaining true to his craft and knows nothing except what he sees on the shows.

Trump has hoodwinked and swindled his way pretty damn far in this process.  But he’s admitting he’s been a phony all along, or he’s really the bombastic, thoughtless jerk that he’s shown himself to be.  He is like the philandering, drinking, gambling, abusive husband, who at the moment of reckoning with his crying wife, says, “but I can change… honest honey…. I WILL change…. I promise… that really wasn’t me.”  Your mom and your best friend and Ann Landers would tell you to throw the bum out (counseling is not an option!).  But the afternoon talkshows were around for decades before the first “reality shows” hit the air.  One of their staple theme shows was often “Why Do Women Like the Bad Boys?”

Ted Cruz And The Hurtful Soup

There are a great many things that trouble me about Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Alberta TX). His opposition to my constitutional right to self pleasure is but one example of his belief system that gives me pause. I have a measure of admiration for the fact that he’s been able to stay (apparently) happily married for 15 years to a successful, talented, lovely woman. I figured that a guy who could do that had to have something going for him

I’m hereby withdrawing my admiration

The Cruzes talked to Anderson Cooper on Tuesday and revealed a shocking story from early in their marriage

When I married Ted, we got back from our honeymoon, and he went off to the store and came home by himself. And I was completely shocked to see that he arrived back at our apartment with literally 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup. I never bought 100 of anything.

This was shocking to me, so we had a tough conversation about it. I said, “You don’t buy 100 of anything, much less canned soup. We can’t do this. I’ll be making things.” He said, “No, I know you. you won’t be making things.”

The early part of a marriage is a fun time. It’s full of cuddling and celebration. Really, it’s magical. Raphael Ted was just stewing and plotting during the honeymoon

When we get back to the apartment, I got to get a s–tload of Chunky, ’cause this bitch is gonna starve me

Come on, man! In the first few precious days of marriage, women always call out men for not thinking of “we” and, instead, thinking of “we”. How the hell are you gonna be thinking about your new life together with this amazing person and still be thinking

I ain’t even gonna tell ole girl. I’m just gonna get down to the store and buy all the damn Chunky they got. I’ll do that s–t while she’s still asleep

Quick! Somebody call Jimmy Webb for a quick re-write of “By the Time I Get to Phoenix”

By the time I get to Wal-Mart

She’ll be snorin’

I’ll be stackin’ all those cans

In my cart

And you know the argument had to be heated and personal

HEIDI: What are you going to do? Just sit over there and eat your soup every night while I watch?

TED: No. You can have some. Just don’t take all the sirloin


See, I’ve always hated the reception ritual where the couple smears cake on each other’s face. That’s a very serious ritual and it literally symbolizes that the couple will feed each other when they need nourishment. It’s like a promise. But, not in Ted’s world. In Ted’s world, “I do” means “I gotta head down to Mega Mart to make sure I don’t starve”

I also love that he chases his initial insult with “I know you. You won’t make anything”. DAMN! If I was Heidi, I’d be googling “annulment”

So the next morning, it was a weekend morning, I loaded up our car before he woke up and returned every single can. And when I got home, I called my mother just to make sure I’d done the right thing as a newlywed. And she emphatically disagreed with me. And so when Ted opened the pantry, I had to quickly tell him that I would go back and buy those cans again

First of all, thanks mom, for all the support. Heidi Cruz had the one mother in all of America who would not have cussed out the son-in-law. I think it would have been pretty funny if she would have hidden the cans of soup all over the house. Like, Ted would have found some of them in his sock drawer and a couple in the Christmas decoration box from time-to-time

I may be overreacting. There have been worse husbands than Ted Cruz. O.J. Simpson, for example. But something tells me that even O.J. wouldn’t have said “Bitch, I know you ain’t gonna feed me”

It makes me sad to think of Heidi Cruz going to that store and returning those cans

Ma’am, do you have a receipt?

No, just a terrible husband (cries)

So, here’s to the great disappearing institution of marriage. As fragile as it is, it can take some hits early on and keep on truckin’. And here’s to Heidi Cruz. God, that woman is a saint


Occasional Trump Dump 03/29/16

THE BIG STORY: Trump Campaign Manager Corey Lewandowski turned himself into authorities in Jupiter, FL because he’s accused of battery against former Breitbart reporter Michelle Fields on March 5th. Here’s the video

That’s fairly cut-and-dry. Even Ray Charles can see that Lewandowski committed battery and he’s both blind and dead. Given the undeniable visual evidence, did Donald J. Trump:

a) Admit Corey did something wrong and fired him immediately

b) Issue a statement saying that he would let the legal process play out

c) Ignore the obvious and act like a lunatic defending the indefensible

If you picked “c”, you have the minimum IQ required to draw breath on this planet

That’s right; Mr. Macho now objects to a 120 lbs. woman touching him

Nothing there…except a man COMMITTING THE ACT OF BATTERY against a woman

But, you have to see this

REPORTER: She did get bruises on her arm

DJT: I don’t know if they were bruises from that! Who said they were bruises from that? How do you know those bruises weren’t there before?

REPORTER: That’s what the police–

DJT: I don’t know what the police said! How do you know those bruises weren’t there before? I’m not a lawyer. I mean, to me, you know, if you’re gonna get squeezed, wouldn’t you think she would’ve yelled out a scream or something if she has bruises on her arm?

Let’s unpack this. Michelle Fields obviously was in an abusive relationship and her boyfriend put some bruises on her. So, to cover for her bf, she went to cover Donald Trump’s “Victory Press Conference” at Mar-a-Largo and enticed Corey Lewandowski to grab the very same arm that had been previously bruised just to make Lewandowski look bad. I give him credit for not saying that he applied the bruises after-the-fact, but I’ll check tomorrow’s tweets for that. Option 3 would be that she used makeup to make her arm appear bruised and I’ll be looking for that one from DJT by the weekend

To make all of this even more awesome, the attorney representing Corey Lewandowski had to resign as a U.S. Attorney after biting a stripper

Trump vs. Cruz makes talk radio hosts pick sides

“Who am I to come in and tell them to vote for this person?” Mr. Hannity asked in an interview, referring to his listeners. “I don’t think I serve them well that way.”

But he warned that any effort to deny Mr. Trump the nomination if he came close to the 1,237 majority of delegates would be the downfall of the Republican Party.

“If they try to steal this nomination or disenfranchise the voters, it would be the end of the Republican Party,” he said. “I guarantee you, it’s over.”

Sean Hannity telling people to think for themselves is a hoot and a half. Like Benghazi, for example. He often tells his audience to keep an open mind and consider that Hillary Clinton didn’t do anything wrong. Right?

Sure. And I’m dating Sofia Vergara

Milwaukee talk radio host Charlie Sykes gave Trump a hard time during a rare interview in which the Republican frontrunner was actually challenged

“I am a conservative,” Trump said. “I’m not so conservative when it comes to the pure aspects of trade… I believe in free trade, which is nice and conservative,” he said before repeating his usual talking points about being a tougher negotiator with other countries by threatening to implement costly tariffs on imported goods.

“It’ll never happen,” Trump said of a tariff. “But you have the threat out there.”

“Well you’re a much better negotiator than I am,” Sykes said. “But you just said it’ll never happen, so you’ve basically said your negotiating ploy is a bluff.”

Trump stammered and repeatedly insisted that other countries like China, India, and Mexico are “killing us.”

That Wisconsin primary is on Tuesday and WI Governor Scott Walker endorsed Ted Cruz today. Trump responded by criticizing Walker for not raising taxes

Seriously. The guy who is the top pick of conservatives in this country just said a governor screwed up by not raising taxes. THAT HAPPENED!

Trump accuses Cruz of not even knowing that his home state is

DJT says he’ll no longer honor his pledge to support the eventual GOP nominee because the Republican establishment “has not been very fair to me”

Whoa! What ya got there, buddy? Bruised ego?

WAIT JUST A MINUTE! How do I know those bruises weren’t already there?

Occasional Trump Dump 03/23/16

THE BIG STORY: T Dawg was still sounding off over the Belgian attacks and taking some heat for threatening Heidi Cruz. But, Hillary put Trump on the defensive in a speech today

“If Mr. Trump gets his way, it’ll be like Christmas in Kremlin,” the Democratic front-runner said during her remarks here at Stanford University. “It will make America less safe and the world more dangerous. When it comes to the struggle against ISIS, we need our allies as much as ever. We need them to be strong and engaged for they are increasingly on the front lines.”

Trump responded on the twitter machine

BOOM! Also, she’s a founder of ISIS, according to former NYC Mayor Rudy “9/11 9/11 9/11” Giuliani

A mixed bag for DJT in new Bloomberg poll

“Trump’s numbers are bad and getting worse,” said pollster J. Ann Selzer, who oversaw the survey. “A majority of Americans now describe their feelings toward him as very unfavorable. That’s a 13-point spike from November 2015.”

In the process, the Republican front-runner may also be tarnishing his party’s brand. Sixty percent of Americans view the GOP unfavorably, easily the highest level recorded in the poll since it was started in September 2009. The Democratic Party, in contrast, is viewed negatively by 43 percent


Overall, Americans are much more likely to agree with Clinton’s view of America’s status than with Trump’s. His campaign slogan is “Make America Great Again,” while she has pushed back against that by declaring at rallies, “America has never stopped being great.”

Asked if America is “no longer great” or “never stopped being great,” 63 percent pick Clinton’s version

Despite all that, Donald, I can’t help loving you

“I’ve never voted for anyone like him,” said Denise McLemore, 56, a Trump supporter and kindergarten teacher from Lexington, North Carolina. “He seems very arrogant and outspoken and he reminds me of my kindergarten students: whatever he thinks in his head, he says.”

Despite his shortcomings, McLemore said she wants to take a chance with Trump. “I don’t know if I can trust him, but I like that he’s different,” she said. “He’s made me a believer.”

That’s because it’s all about the love when it comes to Trump. At least that’s what they found over at Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Newt Gingrich has been working in the shadows on behalf of Trump

For some time now Gingrich has been stumping for Trump behind the scenes, on Capitol Hill and elsewhere. Last week in a closed-door meeting before more than 100 Republican chiefs of staff from the House and Senate in Baltimore, Gingrich raved about the Republican frontrunner, calling him a “blue-collar bar room brawler.”

“[The] guy who knows how to run Miss Universe, The Apprentice, Trump Towers, construction, golf courses, casinos, ties… hotels,” Gingrich bragged, according to a chief of staff in the room and confirmed by The Daily Beast. “A guy who runs that every morning—you think he can’t run a presidential campaign?

“You should study Trump and apply it to your member,” Gingrich said. “There’s a lot to learn here which you can take back to your member’s office.”

Apply it to your member? UGH!

The Donald got some good legal news

A federal judge on Wednesday dismissed a lawsuit against Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump’s modeling agency, saying there was insufficient evidence a foreign-born model had been misled or was owed back pay.

U.S. District Judge Analisa Torres found that Alexia Palmer had not provided proof that Trump Model Management LLC fraudulently applied for a U.S. visa for her or that she had been denied fair wages

I guess The Trump Modeling Agency is yet another incredible Trump business success. Maybe they represented George Costanza in his hand modeling career

Ford Motor Co. CEO fires back at Trump

“Well, the last I looked Ford Motor Company is here to stay in the United States,” Mark Fields said during an interview in New York City with CNBC.

“It’s presidential politics. We’re just going to stay focused on the facts. We are very proud as a company of what we do in terms of contributing to economic development here in the U.S.”

Which, of course, gives Trump the opportunity to claim victory, as he did when he “forced” Obama to produce his birth certificate. Yet another win. Isn’t he sick of winning? I know I’m sick of him winning

Please translate this article and find out how Keith Richards pulled a knife to get rid of Donald Trump

Meanwhile, one of DJT’s advisors hopes to talk him out of torture as a deterrent to terrorism

Phares defended Trump’s repeated statements on torture as not an actual policy but as “a reaction to a very complex and difficult and challenging situation.” Trump is calling for torture “because we are in a political season,” he said, but in the White House “he’s going to be tasking experts to answer that question, and I’m not sure that the experts are going to recommend any form of torture.”

Speaking to NPR, Phares also seemed to draw a distinction between “torture” and “enhanced interrogation” techniques such as waterboarding. Defenders of such techniques commonly do not accept that they meet the definition of “torture.” Torture would violate current law and has been called ineffective or unreliable by many specialists in interrogation. The Trump adviser appeared to favor only “enhanced” techniques that in his view fall short of torture.

Trump has drawn no such distinctions

That’s from the new NPR program Morning DUH!


Occasional Trump Dump 03/22/16

THE BIG STORY: The day started with news of the attacks in Brussels and ended with DJT threatening The Cruzer’s Old Lady. Let’s dig in…

Trump predictably exploited the tragedy in Belgium and used it to push (again) for torture when it comes to terrorism suspects

“We need to empower law enforcement to patrol and secure Muslim neighborhoods before they become radicalized”

No word on what constitutes a “Muslim neigborhood” (it’s down at the end of Crescent Street, it’s Jihad Hotel…you’ll be so lonely baby…you’ll be so lonely baby…you’ll say Allahu Akbar). Trump also took to the twitter to criticize Obama for staying in Cuba

He was also nice enough to throw down an “I Told You So”

History has taught us, great leaders know how to heal in times of trouble and nothing is more soothing than an “I Told You So”. Millions of Belgians slept more peacefully tonight because Donald J. Trump’s ego rubbed one out

For the record, the above tweet was published two hours and five minutes before

Remember when Jesus said “I knew you dumbasses were going to run out of bread and fish” before he fed the multitude?

You really must read this transcript of DJT’s Monday meeting with The Washington Post‘s editorial board. It’s kind of the greatest thing ever published. So many highlights, allow me to hit a few

HIATT: Well, forget Freddie Gray, but in general, do you believe there are disparities in law enforcement?

TRUMP: I’ve read where there are and I’ve read where there aren’t. I mean, I’ve read both. And, you know, I have no opinion on that. Because frankly, what I’m saying is you know we have to create incentives for people to go back and to reinvigorate the areas and to put people to work.  And you know we have lost million and millions of jobs to China and other countries. And they’ve been taken out of this country, and when I say millions, you know it’s, it’s tremendous. I’ve seen 5 million jobs, I’ve seen numbers that range from 6 million to, to smaller numbers. But it’s many millions of jobs, and it’s to countries all over. Mexico is really becoming the new China. And I have great issue with that


Would you care for some balsamic vinaigrette on your word salad?

Trump had a discussion about libel with WaPo‘s excellent columnist Ruth Marcus

MARCUS: So in a better world would you be able to sue me?

TRUMP: In a better world — no — in a better world I would be able to get a retraction or a correction. Not even a retraction, a correction.

RYAN: Well, now, you’ve been a plaintiff in libel suits so you know a little bit of the elements …

TRUMP: I had one basic big libel suit, it was a very bad system, it was New Jersey. I had a great judge, the first one, and I was going to win it. And then I had another good judge, the second one, and then they kept switching judges. And the third one was a bad judge. That’s what happened. But, uh…

RYAN: But there’s standards like malice is required. Would you weaken that? Would you require less than malice for news organizations?

TRUMP: I would make it so that when someone writes incorrectly, yeah, I think I would get a little bit away from malice without having to get too totally away

And then the subject of violence at Trump’s rallies came up

HIATT: Sorry, when you say we don’t condone violence —

TRUMP: I say that.

HIATT: You say that. But you’ve also said, “In the good old days, he would have been ripped out of his seat so fast, you wouldn’t believe it.” Isn’t that condoning violence?

TRUMP: No, because what I am referring to is, we’ve had some very bad people come in. We had one guy — and I said it — he had the voice — and this was what I was referring to — and I said, “Boy, I’d like to smash him.” You know, I said that. I’d like to punch him. This guy was unbelievably loud. He had a voice like Pavarotti. I said if I was his manager I would have made a lot of money for him, because he had the best voice. I mean, the guy was unbelievable, how loud he was. And he was a swinger. He was hitting people. He was punching and swinging and screaming — you couldn’t make — so you have to stop. You know, there is also something about the First Amendment, but you had to stop

DJT is such a businessman that he was trying to figure out a way to make money off the vocal talents of a protestor

And on and on it went. The transcript should be required reading in high schools and colleges across America. Or maybe source material for improv night at “Yuck Yucks” in Moline

Also, this happened

What the hell does he know about Mrs. Cruz? She looks like she’s never done anything worse than return a library book seven minutes late. Here’s what homeboy was so pissed about


Which was distributed by the “Make America Awesome PAC”, which supports Cruz. Cruzer fired up his twitter

OOH! #twitterfight. Suck on that, Aaron Burr!

But, seriously: Heidi is a serious player on The Street that is Wall, so the implication here is that DJT has some pic/video from the 80s that’s stars Heidi in something resembling Wolf of Wall Street meets Caligula. Stay tuned

Trump yarmulkes sell like hotcakes at AIPAC

This is one of the most depressing pictures EVER!


The seminal religion of Judaism has been set back at least 3,000 years. Seriously, what do you do if someone shows up at your Temple wearing one of those bad boys? I’m guessing we won’t see this

Trump Muslim

anytime soon. How about this one?

Trump Muslim

B&B Podcast 03/22/16 says GO HEELS! Make your appointment today to get special care from Dr. Hyman, Dr. Bell, and their great staff. B and B look at an annoying poll of the worst songs ever, attacks in Brussel, trying not to talk about Trump