LEMONADE: The Middle-Aged White Man’s Guide

Sick of having your daughters dancing around the house singing about Becky With The Good Hair and not knowing what they’re talking about. I’ll break down Beyonce’s latest “joint”, LEMONADE and you’ll be so far ahead of the other dads at the next soccer game, they’ll turn green with envy, boo

It comes down to four people:

JAY-Z: You know him. Hova, Jigga, the man who has 99 problems, but a b—h ain’t one

BEYONCE: You know her. Wife of Jay, Queen Bey, The Artist Formerly Known as Sasha Fierce, Duchess of H Town, the woman who made halftime at the Super Bowl completely infuriating to Fox News viewers

DAMON DASH: Co-founder (with Jay-Z) of Roc-A-Fella Records. Former friend and business partner of Jay-Z. Aaliyah’s lover at the time of her passing 15 years ago. Speaking of Fox News, Damon’s sister goes on there all the time, trashing Obama

RACHEL ROY: Former wife of Damon Dash. Mother of his two children. Fashion designer who worked for Rocawear, the clothing arm of Roc-A-Fella

If you can keep these four people straight, you hold the keys to the kingdom

Remember this?

In May of 2014, that footage was released, showing Solange Knowles, sister of Bey (I know I said you would only have to remember four people, but, trust me on this) trying to whoop Jay’s ass for some reason. At the time, no one could figure out what was up. Turns out, Solange was upset that Jay was getting a little too close with Rachel (Damon Dash’s ex). Allegedly, the Knowles sisters had approached Rachel and asked her “What’s up?” re her relationship with Jay-Z. So, that’s what the elevator drama was all about (Queen Bey sort of addressed it in the Flawless remix from two years ago)

And, so, I can reveal to you that (most likely) Becky With The Good Hair=Rachel Roy. In one of the most emotional songs on LEMONADE (Sorry), Bey sings

He only want me when I’m not there
He better call Becky with the good hair

Which means that Jay is hooking up with his “side piece” when Queen Bey isn’t around

That's pretty good hair, alright
That’s pretty good hair, alright

Rachel all but confirmed that she was Becky with an since-deleted instagram post that said “good hair don’t care” (Roy now denies this and says her instagram was misunderstood)

So, that’s it. Well, not exactly. LEMONADE also addresses police brutality against African-Americans, coping with fame, and Serena Williams (somehow), but no one is talking about that stuff. Also, there’s a companion piece on HBO, which evokes The Color Purple, among other things, but The Search For Becky has been topic number one in America for the past 72 hours or so. And now you know. This will make you the coolest dad EVER! But let’s be real: It also makes you SEVERELY uncool because you invested time into this. How you present the information is key

My recommendation: If you see someone acting weird while you’re taking your daughter to get frozen yogurt, say something like “He better call Becky With The Good Hair”. This should elicit some laughter and an “Oh, Dad!”. You’ve scored, but don’t push it. Put that one away for at least five days

Then, maybe you see some woman at church who is having a “bad hair day”. This is a great opportunity to slip in a “I bet she’s not Becky With The Good Hair” in a whispered aside to your teenage daughter. Perhaps you get a snicker. Perhaps you get a disgusted grunt. Fatherhood is all about taking chances

Don’t tell your wife about this information. She’ll just jump the gun and try to beat you to the punch on being cool. If your wife does get the info from you and then can’t keep it in her pants, tell her “stop biting my style”. This will help you save face. Also, don’t learn any lyrics from LEMONADE, some of which contain the “n word”. You’re playing with fire there, dad

Oh, you should also know that Jay-Z and Beyonce could be exaggerating all the stuff on LEMONADE or completely making it up to sell stuff. Be careful at how you break that news to your offspring: Kids are so fragile and naive to the ways of the world, boo

YO! BC raps!

If you’re Dr. Ben Carson and you’ve established yourself as a SUPER patriot as well as a pediatric surgeon who has done what few have ever done, you probably want to highlight your career accomplishments in your first round of radio advertising. Maybe you talk about coming from humble beginnings and, thanks to the greatest nation on earth, you were able to accomplish things that were beyond your wildest dreams

Or you make a terrible rap ad that sounds worse than suburban white boys trying to spit rhymes at midnight at The Sig Ep house

Yo! that’s dopity dope, G!

I would disagree with the Deadspin headline that says this rap is “for the blacks”. Most African-Americans will see through this and know that it’s so corny it will show up in tomorrow’s stool. Suburban white kids love the hippity hop and this is meant to appeal to the head-bobbers who reside in cul-de-sacs across America. I’m not sure if Brandon will be repeating these hot bars as he heads down Florentine Lane to go play X Box with his homies

Let’s look at some of the previous nominees for “Worst Rap Ever”

Uh! Feel that, dawg? That’s you losing your “black guy card”

Aw, son! Your drug free rant actually has me wanting to try some crack

I hate to kick sand in Robbie’s face a quarter of a century later, but, yo, Ice, tear THIS down, son

The Ben Carson outreach team needs to work on a line of BC vapes. ‘Cause you know, freedom could disappear in a cloud of mist, son