LEMONADE: The Middle-Aged White Man’s Guide

Sick of having your daughters dancing around the house singing about Becky With The Good Hair and not knowing what they’re talking about. I’ll break down Beyonce’s latest “joint”, LEMONADE and you’ll be so far ahead of the other dads at the next soccer game, they’ll turn green with envy, boo

It comes down to four people:

JAY-Z: You know him. Hova, Jigga, the man who has 99 problems, but a b—h ain’t one

BEYONCE: You know her. Wife of Jay, Queen Bey, The Artist Formerly Known as Sasha Fierce, Duchess of H Town, the woman who made halftime at the Super Bowl completely infuriating to Fox News viewers

DAMON DASH: Co-founder (with Jay-Z) of Roc-A-Fella Records. Former friend and business partner of Jay-Z. Aaliyah’s lover at the time of her passing 15 years ago. Speaking of Fox News, Damon’s sister goes on there all the time, trashing Obama

RACHEL ROY: Former wife of Damon Dash. Mother of his two children. Fashion designer who worked for Rocawear, the clothing arm of Roc-A-Fella

If you can keep these four people straight, you hold the keys to the kingdom

Remember this?

In May of 2014, that footage was released, showing Solange Knowles, sister of Bey (I know I said you would only have to remember four people, but, trust me on this) trying to whoop Jay’s ass for some reason. At the time, no one could figure out what was up. Turns out, Solange was upset that Jay was getting a little too close with Rachel (Damon Dash’s ex). Allegedly, the Knowles sisters had approached Rachel and asked her “What’s up?” re her relationship with Jay-Z. So, that’s what the elevator drama was all about (Queen Bey sort of addressed it in the Flawless remix from two years ago)

And, so, I can reveal to you that (most likely) Becky With The Good Hair=Rachel Roy. In one of the most emotional songs on LEMONADE (Sorry), Bey sings

He only want me when I’m not there
He better call Becky with the good hair

Which means that Jay is hooking up with his “side piece” when Queen Bey isn’t around

That's pretty good hair, alright
That’s pretty good hair, alright

Rachel all but confirmed that she was Becky with an since-deleted instagram post that said “good hair don’t care” (Roy now denies this and says her instagram was misunderstood)

So, that’s it. Well, not exactly. LEMONADE also addresses police brutality against African-Americans, coping with fame, and Serena Williams (somehow), but no one is talking about that stuff. Also, there’s a companion piece on HBO, which evokes The Color Purple, among other things, but The Search For Becky has been topic number one in America for the past 72 hours or so. And now you know. This will make you the coolest dad EVER! But let’s be real: It also makes you SEVERELY uncool because you invested time into this. How you present the information is key

My recommendation: If you see someone acting weird while you’re taking your daughter to get frozen yogurt, say something like “He better call Becky With The Good Hair”. This should elicit some laughter and an “Oh, Dad!”. You’ve scored, but don’t push it. Put that one away for at least five days

Then, maybe you see some woman at church who is having a “bad hair day”. This is a great opportunity to slip in a “I bet she’s not Becky With The Good Hair” in a whispered aside to your teenage daughter. Perhaps you get a snicker. Perhaps you get a disgusted grunt. Fatherhood is all about taking chances

Don’t tell your wife about this information. She’ll just jump the gun and try to beat you to the punch on being cool. If your wife does get the info from you and then can’t keep it in her pants, tell her “stop biting my style”. This will help you save face. Also, don’t learn any lyrics from LEMONADE, some of which contain the “n word”. You’re playing with fire there, dad

Oh, you should also know that Jay-Z and Beyonce could be exaggerating all the stuff on LEMONADE or completely making it up to sell stuff. Be careful at how you break that news to your offspring: Kids are so fragile and naive to the ways of the world, boo

B&B Podcast 03/22/16

TarheelDentist.com says GO HEELS! Make your appointment today to get special care from Dr. Hyman, Dr. Bell, and their great staff. B and B look at an annoying poll of the worst songs ever, attacks in Brussel, trying not to talk about Trump

Hating Nickelback Is Pure Joy and I Never Want to Stop

I have a confession to make: I once bought a Nickelback album

It must have been 2005. Some of us were still buying CDs and I walked into a store (probably a Wal-Mart, where no one would make fun of you for such a thing) and paid maybe 8 or 10 American dollars for All the Right Reasons

I know you’re asking why. The reasons are still unclear to me. I know that I really liked the first single Photographbut I can’t imagine the thought process that ended with I need to part with cash to have this in my life. I’m sure I left instructions with my friends to the effect of If anything happens to me (southern code for death) make sure that you throw this CD away before my mother looks through my stuff. Better yet, burn it

Sometime in 2006 or maybe 2007, we started, as a nation, to hate Nickelback. It was kind of heartwarming. America had been divided bitterly in the years following our invasion of Iraq and the subsequent regime change. As it became clear that  Saddam Hussein’s regime was not a threat to our national security, Americans, who had overwhelmingly supported the buildup to the war, suddenly split into two camps: Those who opposed the Iraq War and those who supported it as part of the Bush administration’s Global War on Terror

Families were divided. Couples who had been married for years fought about the Iraq War. The Dixie Chicks went from arena fillers to enemies of the state. French Fried potatoes became a political statement. It felt like we’d never agree on anything ever again

Then, suddenly, it became cool to hate Nickelback. And we could all agree on that. It was so simple. Instinctive. You could hate the way they looked, their sound, their fans, their popularity. It just felt so good. Like a big helping of guilt-free hate yogurt. Go ahead, put some sprinkles on that, big guy. And pile on the gummy bears, while you’re at it

Liberals in California could do it. Conservatives in Mississippi could do it. Men and women. Kids and senior citizens. Black, white, and brown. Urban folks. Rural folks. It was so easy to just look at them and say Screw those guys

Screw Those Guys

So, it bothered me when The Wall Street Journal tried to take away the joy of millions. Just look at the headline:

Who Likes Nickelback? Nobody, Except for Millions

A rather common refrain for people who enjoy crap that sells. Fans of Chuck Lorre know in their hearts that he’s done immeasurable damage to America, but they walk around every day with last week’s numbers on how many millions of dolts watched Mom (Allison Janney, if you needed a couple of bucks, you could have come to me). You know what else affects millions of people? GONORRHEA! WANNA CELEBRATE THAT!

Let’s continue with this WSJ nominee for a Pulitzer

Tony Pizza, a 53-year-old newspaper advertising salesman and a Nickelback fan, says the vitriol might be a byproduct of the band’s variety of heavy, but not very original, rock. He laughed dismissively at the recent protesters of Messrs. Cruz and Trump. “I think it’s just a new kind of way of saying they [the politicians] are uncool. Time will show that Nickelback is a fine working band of this age,” Mr. Pizza says

Well, doesn’t that just put the lead in your pencil? A fine working band. Good God! That’s what made you drive five hours each way to see your favorite band when you were 23, right? The fact that they were a fine working band. I can’t think of more of an insult! That’s like Mr. Pizza (yeah, right) saying They’re instruments are always plugged in and the equalization is nearly perfect every single time

Continuing…

Thomas Nell, a 27-year-old pilot in the U.S. Marine Corps, isn’t hiding his affection. He says he fought the haters in college by blasting Nickelback at the gym, on party buses and even at his fraternity’s chapter meetings—where he says he was met with screams and boos from his frat brothers

Geez, Tom. Sign me up! If I hated them before, your incessant blasting of offensive sound waves produced by tortured souls in hell will certainly turn me around…or make me give up deeply held ISIS secrets 

Moving on…

Still, many Nickelback aficionados are forced to hide in the shadows. Zack Bradley, a 19-year-old sophomore at Franklin & Marshall College in Lancaster, Pa., says he has never been to a Nickelback concert because his friends refuse to go with him.

Too bad, because defenders say the band’s fun-loving rock ’n’ roll attitude makes for a winning show that can convert even the staunchest of detractors

This is one of my favorites: The If you’d just see them live! argument. If you’d only see the fat baby boomer dudes dressed up like pigs at the Jimmy Buffet show, you’d fall in loveIf you’d just witness Kenny G’s eight-minute solo, you’d be hooked. How about I don’t need to put the cow patty in my mouth to know it tastes awful?

Also, Zack, your friends are doing you a huge favor. I’ve never saluted peer pressure, but, in this case, it’s a glorious thing

Next…

Quentin Fourt, a 23-year-old high-school teacher in La Tremblade, France, says he can’t understand the Nickelback backlash. He likes that the band plays a variety of music, ranging from introspective tunes to numbers that make people want to get up and move. “Whatever you want, they have a song for,” he said in an email

Well, a better variety of crap. What a concept. I’ll break for a moment to let you take a look at Nickelback’s lead singer

I Wanna be a Rock Star

Don’t you want to punch him in the face? If you don’t, you may be dead. His name is Chad Kroeger and here’s an excerpt of an interview published by Playboy IN 2008

 

CHAD KROEGER: Even though we’re both Canadian, Joey Moi and I refer to ourselves as the taste of Middle America. If I like something, all the red states are probably going to like it too, because I have the same tastes as those people. We probably watch the same television shows.

PLAYBOY: Do you have middle-American tastes in everything—TV, cars, beer, movies, books?
CHAD KROEGER: You could probably scratch books off that list. [laughs] I like car chases, explosions, big boobs—the same things Middle America likes

Now, do you want to punch him in the face?

Canadians come in two varieties. First, these guys

Mike Myers

And

Michael J. Fox

Disarming charmers. Humble to the core. You smile when you think of them

Then, there’s the other category of Canadians

Beebs

And

Pamela Anderson

Vapid narcissists who cash in early and often. Useless oxygen thieves who never go away

Guess which category our friend Chad is in?

Back to the WSJ piece…

One constituency, though, has found a certain brainy virtue in Nickelback’s music. A study entitled “Lyric Intelligence in Popular Music: A Ten-Year Analysis,” published by the online ticket marketplace SeatSmart, found that Nickelback had the most intelligent and sophisticated lyrics of any rock band between 2005 and 2014. One reason: more so than other artists’ songs, Nickelback’s are written in clear, full sentences 

Sure, they’re crap, but you find a complete, unbroken turd in the bowl. Again, that’s the raw, dangerous part of rock music, right? Full sentences. You could see it when the girls were screaming for Paul and John: YES! Subject and predicate. Here! Have my bra!

Finishing up…

“People still buy their albums, and they can still sell out arenas,” says Lucas Hannon, a 33-year-old control operator at a local TV station in Charleston, W.Va. “That’s a rare thing.”

So is calling out garbage and refusing to go along with the crowd. Good Lord! As the WSJ tries to make us feel bad for hating these jerks, their fans trot out the lamest reasons possible for supporting these rock and roll nightmares. Let us make a vow to keep on hating them, no matter who attempts to make us feel bad about it. Let the fans hide their love away, while we openly display our hate. After all, it’s a vital outlet. It makes us better husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, sons, and daughters if we can focus all our hate on these twits out of Alberta. We’ll open our arms to almost anything else, but these dummies get no quarter

I just hope you’ll forgive me for that moment of weakness where I put money in their pockets