Coach Rivera: No Hover Boards for Panthers

Seriously, did Vince Lombardi ever have to deal with this?

The probable “Coach of the Year” tried to put The Onion out of business by banning hover boards at the team’s practice facility

Psssst, coach: While you’re at it, might want to have the boys steer clear of Chipotle

More disturbing still is the idea that grown ass men who are making millions of dollars with their bodies would put those bodies in jeopardy by drag racing on hover boards. Athletes are always getting hurt in the strangest ways, but how would you like to run into Luke Kuechly in a Home Depot apron one Sunday

Man, you were my favorite player. You used to hit like a tank!

I know, man, but it all came to an end when I had to beat Josh Norman as we were racing to the water fountain. Now, were those tenpenny nails, you were looking for?

Here’s a video of Cam Newton from three years ago

Here’s the convo that Ron Rivera will probably be having with Newton in the near future

Ron: Can’s ride the Segway anymore, Cam

Cam: Come on, dawg

Ron: No, Cam. You have a son to think about now

Cam: Yeah, you’re right, coach. But, I just figured out how to dab on it

This is what makes Rivera’s job so much harder than coaches from previous eras. You think Ken Stabler would have been hover boarding with Fred Biletnikoff? Hell, no! They might have had a beer chugging contest, but never hover board races (had they been a thing in 1976). Joe Montana vs. Jerry Rice in the hover board Olympics? Forget it. Bill Walsh would have stared at them like a monkey watching a ferris wheel

Who knew the good old days would be when a coach was trying to get his players to the game without them being hungover

You know that engineers are going to introduce real boards that hover one day. You know, like levitating over the ground. Watch out, boys. That one could take out an entire team


Will Hoverboard be the Trump of Christmas gifts, 2015; will fact checks and warnings mean nothing?

Was buying a hoverboard for your kid for Christmas, 2015, the most problematic but irresistible and inevitable of all gifts?  The excitement at the moment of discovery followed by danger, regret, and maybe even injury?  Not being that bright but ultimately optimistic, I have been Screen shot 2015-12-26 at 9.10.53 AMassuming that will be the final trajectory of the Make America Great Again Crusade of Donald Trump.  Danger. Regret. Injury. I could be wrong.



Because hoverboards can’t campaign and get out there to lie about how great and smart they are and how they are literally killing the competition, Xboxes are weak, stupid losers….. I am outselling every other Christmas gift…. every survey agrees with me… Barbie has no stamina…. American Girl is low energy… pathetic” (notice the targeted attacks on veteran female dolls!)…. hoverboards may be subject to the laws of truth, experience, and the marketplace of bad products.  There was no way to argue with the dangerous fires that were documented on both social and non-social media of exploding lithium battery-powered hoverboards.  And rest assured that we’ve closed another loophole for ISIS trying to take down an airliner.  Screen shot 2015-12-26 at 9.38.53 AM




Buyers remorse for politicians often takes years, sometimes decades to take hold.  Think how long it took for your dad to admit voting for Nixon wasn’t such a hot idea after all; that he really was a crook.  It’s taken years for some people to regret voting for George W. Bush or Barack Obama, for way too many reasons.  Hoverboards however, are subject to instant analysis that should mean something……Screen shot 2015-12-26 at 9.49.41 AM









…. but probably won’tScreen shot 2015-12-26 at 9.50.20 AM

… no… I mean it! Screen shot 2015-12-26 at 9.50.50 AM

The tiniest amount of thought that hoverboards, which don’t hover and look to me to be skateboards on steroids, would be a dangerous choice for a gift.  The flying image of them from Back to The Future II was enough to overcome reality for many.  In a painful analogy, the tiniest amount of thought that Donald Trump, who does hover endlessly, would be anything but dangerous as president, seems obvious to those of us on the outside looking at this.  The image of Trump from reality tv has been enough to overcome reality for many, too.

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