RNC: Night Two Predictions

6:18 pm—Reince Preibus is forced to comment when the media exposes a “Roger Ailes Defense Fund” fundraiser that features a cardboard standup of former Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson in the lobby of Quicken Loans Arena. Convention goers are encouraged to have their photos taken with cardboard Gretch as they put their hands on her boobs. At $20 a pop, organizers are able to raise more than $90,000 before they’re shut down

7:15 pm–Several RNC staffers are interviewed leaving the arena after being fired. At least twelve of them were dismissed by Trump after telling the nominee that they couldn’t get a B-2 flyover to happen indoors. The staffers express relief at “being able to get the hell out of Cleveland”

Melania

7:49 pm–Melania Trump addresses the delegates. Thirty seconds in, they realize she’s delivering The Gettysburg Address. As they begin booing, Mrs. Trump deftly switches and starts reciting the lyrics to American Pie

Tiffany

8:16 pm–The nominee introduces his daughter Tiffany as “the daughter I only kind of want to bang”

9:03 pm–Trump brings the ballpark idea of the “Kiss Cam” to the RNC, but it turns tragic when a 75-year-old delegate from Arkansas has a heart attack while making out with a hot 68-year-old. Trump is seen motioning for the EMTs to get the deceased man “the hell out of here” before Ted Nugent’s set

Chachi

10:10 pm—Scott Baio is heard in the hospitality suite complaining that he couldn’t find a woman under 45 to take back to the hotel. He also complains that everyone keeps calling him “Chachi” and they all seem to have forgotten “Charles in Charge”, which is also the name of the sex move he wanted to show someone under 45 in his hotel room

11:06 pm—Chris Christie passes out after minute six of his speech when his blood sugar falls dangerously low. It takes a while for medical personnel to realize something is wrong, as his eyes have been lifeless since April. Trump, once again, violently urges the EMTs to “get him the hell out of here”, so that Charlie Daniels can perform his stirring anthem “Obama, You Suck”

11:33 pm–Day two is gaveled to a halt after an impromptu salute to Roger Ailes. An unidentified old man chases Kimberly Guilfoyle around the stage and attempts to grab her butt. The crowd cheers when Guilfoyle trips, but the 83-year-old man is unable to capitalize, as he sustains a fatal heart attack. Trump, once again, tells the EMTs “get him the hell out of here” because his crews need to put up the replica set from Caligula for night three

Hello, Cleveland! No Cavalier-Sized Victory Parade Scheduled For Trump This Week.

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One thing that is a 100% sure bet: The Republican Convention in Cleveland will draw the highest television ratings we’ve seen in our lifetimes. Why wouldn’t it? Trump’s Delusion…. that he’ll actually be elected president… makes its last stand in a totally controlled environment this week. When the Nielsens come in huge he’ll predictably brag about them and add the rating number to the insufferably boring recitation of the victorious glory days of primaries past he spits out, from memory, to kill 40% of the time at his rallies.

Speaking of controlled environments, I was in Cleveland over the Fourth of July weekend and one of my lifetime complaints has been addressed Screen Shot 2016-07-17 at 10.59.44 AM there: smoking in casinos. I wondered if I was the only person in the world who liked to play blackjack but hated smoking and the smell of the casino. The Jack Casino in downtown Cleveland is smoke-free. Delightful. Las Vegas made the calculation years ago that the connection between smoking and gambling was too strong to risk banning it. Risk what? That people just won’t gamble, or gamble as much if they can’t smoke for a few minutes or hours at the Bellagio? That always made as much sense as the fake warnings airlines issued when it was suggested flying become smoke-free. (the law officially changed in 1990) Nervous flyer-smokers were supposedly being denied their Constitutional rights, would stop flying and the airline business would come to an unprofitable end. Try telling someone under 40 that at one time you could smoke on an airplane. They won’t believe you.

“Sincerity – if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

That stolen George Burns/Groucho Marx quote appears to be what will decide this presidential election that eclipses all others in having two candidates with such high negatives, albeit for different reasons. If you’re an undecided voter, you need to consider whether you think that the past, horrible or allegedly horrible things that the candidates have done in their public and business lives are likely to be a replicable roadmap to their behavior as president. Or, are the most egregious errors that will be pointed out simply unfair exaggerations that can always be countered with, “yea, but what about?…..”

No matter what Secretary of State Hillary Clinton did regarding her cavalier attitude towards email security, do you believe she’d actually try to continue to have a private server as President Hillary Clinton, caring so little about state secrets that she’d continue her careless ways unabated… she must hate America even more than Barack Obama? If not and you think that last sentence was written by Sean Hannity, then she should get your vote. If you don’t think she went on a 15-hour bender, sleeping through the Benghazi disaster, only to wake up for 3 minutes to call off the readily available troops to rescue Chris Stevens and company, then she should get your vote. If you think the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy outweighs Hillary Clinton’s own personal foibles and insecurities, she should get your vote.

If you don’t believe that Donald Trump stiffs his contractors and workers, trying to negotiate them down, he should get your vote… if you don’t believe that in 2006 he started Trump Mortgage specifically to become a lending slumlord, read this: Cleveland’s Pain Was Donald Trump’s Gain.

A deeply reported story on NextCity.org from local writer Dan McGraw looks at how the Republican Party is about to nominate in Cleveland a man who encouraged investors to exploit the foreclosure crisis. Donald Trump “once sold subprime mortgages through a short-lived venture called Trump Mortgages and taught America, through a for-profit education company he founded called Trump University, how to profit from foreclosures,” the story notes. In the same year that Slavic Village neighborhood of Cleveland lost 783 homes to foreclosure, Trump University “was running ads with a picture of its founding namesake and the message, ‘Investors Nationwide are Making Millions in Foreclosures … And So Can You!,’ ” McGraw writes.

If you think the above is malarkey, vote for Trump. If you believe his explanation on why he, allegedly the richest guy to ever be a nominee, refuses to release his tax returns (it’s not the law that he has to…. he’s under audit… the Yankees lost 3 in a row….)…. if you don’t care that his returns would show how little he’s ever given to charity, how much lower his yearly income is than would be typical of someone of his alleged net worth, how little in actual income tax he has been paying…. that he hypocritically demanded the VP-Political Apprentice candidates show him their returns…. then vote for Trump.

My macro-confidence grows over some things that have always stuck out, for me, about Trump. He is the richest, most brilliant businessman guy I’ve ever seen who has never produced one person who has said, “he made me rich.” Every other mogul spawns disciples. The real people who’ve had any kind of financial dealings with Trump, directly or indirectly, seem to be people he’s ripped off and destroyed through schemes and scams over the decades. The tax return thing is so far beyond inexcusable that it cannot be explained away. And picking Mike Pence to show what a Team Unity Player he is should be seen as the transparent, ultimate flip-flop that it is. The establishment Republicans can like me…. they can really like me!

Here are some key words for the Republican Convention Drinking Game: God, Obamacare, 35%, Mexico, China, the blacks, the Hispanics, women, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, bathrooms, Second Amendment, tennis balls, law and order, Benghazi, Lyin Hillary, Radical Islamic Terrorism, Obama, Nobama, Lebron, apologize, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, dishonest, illegal alien, Cleveland Orchestra, Republican Party, Titanic. Enjoy the show!

So Jesus, Moses, and Loretta Lynch Are In The Airport. Guess Which One Bill Clinton Chooses To Talk To?

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One of the worries of the Hillary campaign surely has always been about whether Bill… along with his overall popularity and his baggage would be, on balance, an asset or a liability. Additionally, would he be disciplined enough to not go off the rails like he did in South Carolina in 2008, when he went hard after Barack Obama’s claims he’d been against the Iraq War, and noted that Jesse Jackson had been able to win SC in ’84 and ’88?

It’s almost as if there’s a pathological need by the Clintons to periodically supply their enemies with a new Dangling Participle of Scandal That Never Was, which gets added to the Permanent Pile of The Never Really Proved. Nice move there…. shifting the “can he be disciplined and not say or do stupid stuff?” card, even temporarily, away from Trump.

Two versions of this latest entry from the What the Hell Were You Thinking Dept, Unforced Error Division:

Bill Clinton, AG Loretta Lynch meet on tarmac in Phoenix…..

US Attorney General Loretta Lynch, Bill Clinton meet privately in Phoenix before Benghazi report

An aide to Bill Clinton confirmed to CBS News that the meeting wasn’t planned in advance: President Clinton saw the attorney general on the tarmac and wanted to say hello, so he boarded her plane to talk….

The meeting comes as former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is still under investigation for her email practices–and also came the day before House Republicans released a report criticizing the Obama administration’s response to the 2012 Benghazi attacks.

Lynch told reporters that the topics of Benghazi and Clinton’s email server did not come up, and that she and Clinton spoke largely about his grandchildren, golf and travel.

“Actually, while I was landing at the airport, I did see President Clinton at the Phoenix airport as I was leaving, and he spoke to myself and my husband on the plane,” she said. “Our conversation was a great deal about his grandchildren. It was primarily social and about our travels. He mentioned the golf he played in Phoenix, and he mentioned travels he’d had in West Virginia.”

“There was no discussion of any matter pending for the department or any matter pending for any other body,” Lynch added. “There was no discussion of Benghazi, no discussion of the State Department emails, by way of example.”

Yes, we know Bill Clinton is just so damn friendly that his good, Southern manners absolutely wouldn’t allow him to not pay a visit to the one person on earth who, if she were not above reproach, might possibly be influenced by the husband of Hillary Clinton, subject of the Hardy Boys latest: The Case of the Dripping E-Mails. How serendipitous for them: two ships in the Hillary Navy passing one another in open water in the Phoenix airport!

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The stupidity of putting Attorney General Lynch in the position of having to say specifically the things the two of them didn’t talk about (no discussion of Benghazi, no discussion of the State Department emails) will mean to the Never Hillary crowd, led by Trump, to say those items were exactly what they talked about. If I was advising the Republicans here I’d take the Lynch denial and merge it with “I want you to listen to me,” he said. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.” And the issue will float along right up until election day, even though nothing can be proven and Lynch’s integrity is unassailable. Just add it to the list. Just don’t call it Lorettagate.

Rush Limbaugh: Anatomy of an Obsession

It’s important, as we careen towards November, that Rush Limbaugh‘s single-minded focus on the Clintons is the main reason that his media empire grew to such great heights during the 1990s. At this point, lobbing verbal bombs at Hillary seems almost reflexive. Listeners would tune in on their radios daily during the Clinton administration to hear Rush attacking Bill and Hillary for any number of sins (Whitewater, Travelgate, etc.)

And so it came to pass that the radio show wasn’t enough of a platform for spotlighting the sins of Bill and Hillary Clinton. Rush Limbaugh, the TV show ran in syndication for four years and was produced by future Fox News head honcho Roger Ailes. In fact, there has been much speculation that had the Limbaugh TV show been more successful, Ailes would not have been available to crank up Fox News

Limbaugh’s television show was supposed to be an conservative alternative to those late night shows that were (allegedly) brainwashing America with their liberal slant. After all, how many times did parents shake their head in horror at some lefty drivel spouted by Arsenio Hall (answer: None)

One particular incident from the Limbaugh TV show is particularly instructive and we’ll work from this source material

It was November 6, 1992 and America had just elected it’s first Baby Boomer president. Millions of Americans were becoming comfortable with the First Family to be and the prospect of having the first child in the White House since Amy Carter in the 1970s. This You Tube video is our best visual preservation of Mr. Limbaugh’s TV show from 11/06/92 and a transcript will help us navigate what happened

It’s unclear why Mr. Limbaugh is wearing a hat which appears to rep Yale. I’m not sure if he’s paying tribute to his fallen leader, George H.W. Bush or sending a bat signal to his future leader, George W. Bush, but I’m sure that, whatever the reason, it’s hilarious. Perhaps Yale had just instructed women on campus that “no means no” or some other liberal claptrap

In any case, the master is riffing on a piece by David Hinckley of the New York Daily News

So, my friends, in today’s New York Daily News right here, holding it here in my formerly nicotine-stained fingers, it’s the obligatory in-out list. Every time there’s a massive change somewhere, people are in, people are out. I’m now out. It says about me on here, Rush Limbaugh, loud-mouthed conservative and Bush favorite, trusts no one to the left of Pat Buchanan. He’s out.’ You know, they wish. In their dreams

The crowd slavishly applauds, as though fed their cue from a blinking sign in a television studio. Oh, wait!

David Hinckley of–of the New York Daily News wrote this, and what he has–he’s got–it’s very strange. He says, In: A cute kid in the White House. Out: Cute dog in the White House.’ Could–could we see the cute kid? Let’s take a look at–see who is the cute kid in the White House

He pivots, like a true pro, to see what’s on the monitor. This pops us

He then mock protests, as though he is terribly offended

No, no, no. That’s not the kid

Then, this picture shows up

That’s–that’s the kid. We’re trying to..

Crowd applauds because the sign tells them to

Later, El Rushbo pleads

There I go. My friends, I apologize again. I — that’s the third time the crew makes a mistake by showing you Millie the dog when I intended to show you Chelsea Clinton, and then I followed with that terrible story. I’m — I hope you’ll forgive me. I’m fatigued. I’m tired. I really don’t — in fact, you know what I’ll do? Let’s pretend this is a daytime talk show and that I’m a guest on, say, Sally, Phil or whatever. How can I make amends to you for what I just did? I can spank myself. People who spank themselves, next RUSH. Watch this. (Rush stands)

I’ll do it with my left hand. I — I’m right-handed, so it won’t hurt as much. Do it with my left hand.

(Rush spanks himself, screaming and crying; written on screen, Ouch!!!’)

It’s actually much worse when you realize that he admitted they did that joke three (3) times. In various forums over the years, Limbaugh has claimed it was a technical error, which is a lie because:

His television show was pre-recorded (vs. live), so any technical errors could have been fixed with editing before air
Otherwise, what’s the damn joke

On November 10, 1992, Limbaugh offered a “heartfelt” apology

And I’m terribly sorry. I don’t — look, that takes no talent whatsoever and I have a lot of talent. I don’t need to get laughs by commenting on people’s looks, especially a young child who’s done nothing wrong. I mean, she can’t control the way she looks. And we really — we do not — we do not do that on this kind of show. So put a picture up of her now and so we can square this.

(Photo shown of Bill and Chelsea Clinton, who is making a sour face)

(Laughter and applause)

Bearing one’s soul is often an emotional exercise

One of my favorite stories from the Limbaugh canon is when Rush and Bill came face-to-face at a New York restaurant in 2007. Longtime Limbaugh listeners might have expected Rush to spew invectives at Clinton, detailing how he’d ruined the country, or some such thing

Instead…

I reached out my hand, “Mr. President, it’s a pleasure to meet you”. We shook hands and so forth , and he hung around for two or three minutes, maybe five

Here’s hoping that in the future, Limbaugh comes into contact with former President Hillary Rodham Clinton at some swanky Manhattan steakhouse. And, in my mind’s eye, they exchange pleasantries and chat amiably for a few minutes, as Limbaugh’s current wife tells him to turn up his hearing aid

But, would you really blame her if she slapped the snot out of him?

Hillary Clinton and Renee Ellmers: A Tale of Two Women

Instant Karma’s gonna get you
Gonna look you right in the face
Better get yourself together darlin’
Join the human race

–John Winston Ono Lennon

History will look back on the night of June 7, 2016 (and the early hours of June 8, 2016) as a remarkable period of time in American history, particularly as it relates to women. Hillary Clinton’s victories in Tuesday’s primaries put her in line to become the first female nominee of a major political party in our country’s history. That’s the headline

But, there were other stories of female candidates that were playing out the same day that Secretary Clinton recorded her historic triumphs. In tiny Dunn, NC, a congresswoman headed to the polls to cast her vote in the Republican primary

Rep. Renee Ellmers (R-N.C.) on Tuesday commented on a woman’s weight during an exchange caught on video.

“You’re eating a little too much pork barbeque,” Ellmers said in Dunn, N.C., according to CBS’s local affiliate. “Whoo!”

CBS’s local affiliate identified the woman asMaggie Sandrock, former chairwoman of the Harnett County Republican Party who once supported Ellmers but is backing her opponent this cycle. Shortly after the video clip went viral, Ellmers lost her primary.

“Typical Renee,” Sandrock said when asked about Ellmers’s remarks. “She has become a mean girl on steroids, in my view.”

While Hillary Clinton was trying to show women everywhere that the days of keeping women down were over, Rep. Ellmers decided to give aid-and-comfort to misogynists everywhere by reinforcing the stereotype that women are catty to each other on the most petty levels possible. One can almost imagine a scenario, not unlike the first Terminator, where Ms. Ellmers cycled through a few options that scrolled in front of her eyes before playing the “fat card”. She completely skipped over “you smell” and “nobody likes you”

At this point, it’s important to realize who Renee Ellmers is and how she got to be the representative from North Carolina’s 2nd district. Six years ago, the man who previously represented NC-2, Bob Etheridge (D) had a You Tube moment

And that was pretty much it. Ellmers was swept into office in the “Tea Party” midterms of 2010. She appropriately showed contempt for Obama, Obamacare, and Bo Obama. That was enough to turn out the voters who hated Obama and sent Ms. Ellmers to Washington. She’d never held elected office before. Heck, she wasn’t even born in North Carolina. Didn’t matter. All that mattered is that she had that sweet “R” by her name and she was going to give Barack Obama hell

When she got to DC, she rose to prominence…at least visually

GOP leadership loved to put her right next to Speaker Boehner at press events. Message: Hey, we’re not just a bunch of white guys. We’ve got ONE WOMAN. Whoa! In that one picture, we’ve got TWO! Suck on that, Gloria Steinem

But, as often happens with the anti-establishment types, Renee was seen as a sellout in her home district. I mean, she failed to impeach Barack Hussein Benghazi Jihad Solyndra Death Panel Obama, so what good was she, anyway? There were missteps along the way, such as the “I need my paycheck” stinker during the 2013 government shutdown. Also, there were those nasty rumors about a sordid affair. While nothing was ever proven, Ms. Ellmers, presumably, struck a bow for women everywhere as she held on to her job, while the man in question resigned and headed back home to California. Suck on that, Susan B. Anthony

Which brings us back to Tuesday: Rep. Ellmers had become so unpopular to the folks back home that she was being primaried. Now, kids, that means people in her own party were trying to take her down

And they did

Despite last-ditch efforts, Rep. Ellmers lost her primary

Presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump made a late endorsement for Ellmers over the weekend and recorded a robocall to try to save her, but it was too late to make much difference. Instead, Ellmers placed a distant second behind Rep. George Holding and only narrowly edged ahead of a third challenger, physician Greg Brannon

My God! Built up by one orange man (Boehner) and torn down by another (Trump). If Donald can’t save you…

Certainly, there were a lot of factors here, including a redrawing of Ellmers’s district, which left her in a tough spot. But, I’d like to think the karma gods took a moment to reflect and said “Let’s take out that woman who called the other woman fat”. Simple, decisive action from the people who balance the universe. And Renee was gone

However, I’m sure that Ms. Ellmers has made many important contacts in the last six years in our nation’s capitol. And I hope these contacts bear fruit as Ms. Ellmers transitions into the next phase of her life. I don’t know if there’s a fat shaming think tank, but, if there is, my bet is they’re on the phone right now to Renee. Or perhaps she could be Fox News official “Hillary’s cankles” correspondent

After all, Renee: Some women were meant to lead a great nation. And some were meant to take cheap shots in a parking lot in Dunn as they exit public life

Kenneth Starr, Jesse Helms, and Bill Clinton

As Donald Trump continues his I Love the 90s tour, it’s instructive to look back and remember some of the details relating to the impeachment of our 42nd president

Kenneth Starr was a pivotal character in the impeachment of Bill Clinton. He had been appointed as a special investigator to look into Whitewater. For those of you not old enough to remember, Whitewater was the Benghazi of it’s time: Conservatives relentlessly pursued it, knowing that it would end the Clintons. In the end, nothing was there. There’s a reason that Donald Trump doesn’t add this to the litany of Hillary’s sins. Even he knows the witch hunt was bollocks

It seems impossible to believe, but the expansion of the Whitewater investigation lead us down the primrose path to the discovery of Monica Lewinsky and her affair with President Clinton. Conservatives were so enraged at Bill Clinton and his “far left” policies that they went to great lengths to try to destroy him, politically. One of the political figures most intent on destroying Clinton was North Carolina’s senior senator, Jesse Helms

Helms served thirty years in the United States Senate and delighted his supporters by mocking Ted Kennedy and, generally, opposing anything that didn’t help Big Tobacco. Helms said no quite frequently and he said it loudly. This earned him the title of “Senator No”, which he wore proudly

By the time the 90s dawned, Mr. Helms needed some new material. His homophobia still scored points for the fans, but he needed a little something that let him pivot and refresh his act. Enter Slick Willie

Bill Clinton stood in stark contrast to Jesse Helms. He was handsome, well-spoken, Ivy educated…hell, Bill Clinton had even been to Europe…AND LOVED IT! Jesse Helms made it his life’s work to hound Bill and Hillary Clinton, with some help from his buddy Lauch Faircloth

In one particular episode, Mr. Helms said that if Mr. Clinton was so popular on military bases in North Carolina that “he’d better have a bodyguard” if the president visited. Mr. Helms quickly called the comment “a mistake”, but his fans loved it

And, so it was, that when it came time to appoint a special investigator to Whitewater, Mr. Helms made sure his lawyer buddy from the Big Tobacco wars was put in charge: Mr. Starr

Mr. Starr has been in the news a bit recently. First, he made some surprising comments about the man who was impeached, in great part, thanks to his efforts

His genuine empathy for human beings is absolutely clear. It is powerful, it is palpable. The folks of Arkansas really understood that

Umm…thanks? I can only imagine the mix of emotion that must have entered Bill Clinton’s mind when he read that

Also, Kenneth Starr may or not still be president of Baylor University

So, you see, when you see Donald Trump revisiting Monica Lewinsky and the impeachment of Bill Clinton, it’s another great gift from the wellspring that is/was Jesse Helms. His legacy lives long and now his words are coming out of the mouth of a tangerine billionaire

On behalf of the citizens of North Carolina, you’re welcome

You Would Cry Too If Two Parties Happened To You

That’s what we’ve got in the United States… two parties… and just like 3-hour TSA “security” lines at our airports, there’s not a damn thing we can do about it except endure the pain and hope we make the flight. Or, maybe not.

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It does look like two is the magic number that you bounce off of in either direction for political parties. Three or more parties and you end up with Canada, Germany, or Israel, which seem to have two dominant parties along with other viable ones who work with the big boys and they get a government. Move down to one party and you get Cuba or China. Two is the US standard. I started wondering if this is etched in stone, whether we need to keep it, whether it’s really a fact, or if it is just some type of unhappy accident that is sending us careening over some kind of political cliff come November. The answer is yes to all of those.

There will be no history lesson here, but for much of my life things were never more complicated than two choices for most stuff. A or B. Coke or Pepsi… cash or check… Bird or Magic, Ginger or Mary Ann, yellow or Screen Shot 2016-05-17 at 10.03.27 AM brown mustard. Ford or Chevy. I dread being sent to the supermarket by my wife when she wants me to buy a specific flavor/fat content Greek yogurt. It takes me 20 minutes to sift through the hundreds of variations so I’m not deemed a dope when I get home with the wrong one. In politics, though, the wonders of the miracle of the free market do not exist. It’s take it or leave it… usually only two products whose owners pretend they are different but are more similar than they admit. The barrier to entry is so high that in more than 230 years no one outside whatever the Big Two has been at the time has won. The circular defense of the system’s been that the moderating necessities of governing justified that system. Six months out from the presidential election of 2016 and the only certainty is uncertainty.

The last week has seen variations on the “will someone run as a third party candidate to stop Trump?” story. Names come and go and denials are unanimous. Bloomberg, Mark Cuban, John Kasich… all of them say no and begin with the fact that they can’t win and it’s too late, baby, to get on ballots in many states anyway. But what would happen if one of these people suddenly declared themselves to be Libertarian and used the fact that the Libertarian Party will be on the ballot in all 50 states to gain real traction? Gary Johnson, the former New Mexico governor, runs around acting as if he is already the party’s nominee, but he isn’t. The Libertarian convention isn’t until the end of May.

Republicans have fallen in line with their nominee, as they always do, in record time. Fake equivocation on endorsement though weasel language, “I haven’t gotten to that point yet,” means nothing, as Obamahate and Hillaryhate literally Trump all internal opposition to Donald. More problematic is professed equivocation by the Sandersnistas, who are understandably furious that the two-party system was stacked against Screen Shot 2016-05-17 at 10.00.01 AM Bernie from Day One, and ain’t that America? The most current violence at public gatherings was at the Nevada Democratic Convention, where it looked like a Hell in A Cell Political Cage Match over the weekend.

It’s not the prettiest of choices, this 2016 presidential election. With the two candidates’ negatives higher than lice, Drake, and the Zika virus, I’m closing in on DVRing Local Weather on the Eights forever to keep my sanity.

WWDD-What Would Donald Do? Plug In a Real Event and Play At Home!

You really do need to play the WWDD game before you even think of voting for Trump. To play, you have to take him at his hyper-rhetorical face value and not assume that campaigning is all show and shtick and bluster and insult and brag, while a President Trump will be a contemplative, fully rational actor who weighs the facts and checks emotional decision-making outside the Oval Office door. He has convinced a large number of Americans that every problem, every issue, every policy, every world event can be deftly handled with threats, intimidation, and (military) power, enacted by steamrolling dreaded political correctness, which has ruined everything. I’m not sure how it is possible for anyone to tolerate listening to this guy repetitively freelancing his vomitus ego at each appearance, droning on about his poll numbers, the size of the crowd, and how everyone on earth is a moron except Carl Icahn (fellow billionaire bully) and himself.

Say hello to Anger Mismanagement. Imagine if Trump were president last week when the Iranians grabbed a couple of US Navy patrol boats. You don’t have to think very hard to realize we’d already be at war over this humiliation beyond humiliation. But since “we’re gonna’ have so many victories, that, at some point, they’re just gonna’ be coming out of your ears!” has been promised….. I must be crazy to think the upcoming Shoot First/Don’t Ask Questions Ever Twitter presidency will be a non-stop barrage of Jump The Gun/Jump The Shark daily headaches and crises. The Wrap reported on Trump’s coolheadedness: “We want our hostages back NOW!” he tweeted. And just to be sure he typed “now” using ALL CAPS… You know, to make sure the Iranians knew he was dead serious….Just one problem with that. The sailors had already been released hours earlier.” Try to contemplate our collective fates had Donald Trump been in the Oval Office in October of 1962 when the Soviet Union was intent on deploying nuclear-armed missiles in Cuba. A standard campaign commercial of recent vintage has been the “Red Phone 3am” ad. Hillary Clinton used it in 2008 against the young, first-term Senator Barack Obama.

Four years later in 2012, the Republican National Committee produced the first spinoff version, featuring Benghazi. They never aired it. Seems pretty tame by today’s standards, or lack of them. Word was that Mitt Romney himself scotched it because he was worried it would take the emphasis off of his sterling plans for the economy. Maybe he was just too decent to run it.

Another four years later, to today…. “13 Hours,” the just-opened film about Benghazi, was probably marketed too much as a rightwing hit piece that would destroy Hillary Clinton’s chances at being president… just like the smoking gun emails, the hearings, the hearings, the hearings….. would. Forbes film writer Scott Mendelson put it this way: “For the record, when I referred to 13 Hours as a would-be “next American Sniper,” when the first trailer dropped last July, it was merely on the notion that the film might capitalize from the unexpected popularity of the Clint Eastwood action drama, in a sense playing to at least a decent chunk of the audience that turned that Bradley Cooper film into a $350 million sensation…First of all, it’s quite possible that the distinctly partisan nature of the narrative surrounding the Benghazi attacks basically scared off everyone except the would-be “loyalists.”…13 Hours was somewhat trapped by its inherently political origins. I would argue the aggressive pitch to conservative outlets was both a necessary action (in case nobody else showed up) and something of a detriment (because it arguably scared off a huge chunk of those who just accepted Lone Survivor and American Sniper at face value).”

Taking the strained metaphor of the “nuclear football” to its limits, the nation will have turned over its future to the guy who has already blown it in the real football arena. Among the many past failures Donald Trump has had that demonstrate his unfitness for public office is his near single-handed destruction of the United States Football League, which went out of business 30 years ago. Actor Burt Reynolds — one of the partners of the USFL’s Tampa Bay Bandits — was blunt about the demise when interviewed for “Small Potatoes,” an ESPN documentary about the league released in 2009. “I still feel and will always feel that his ambitions — his personal ambitions — were what sunk the league,” Reynolds said of Trump. Keith Jackson, the retired ABC sportscaster, told ESPN that “greed and patience don’t live together very well.” More from nj.com.

Did Donald Trump really kill a professional football league?

– Screen shot 2016-01-18 at 2.42.30 PM

Do I have to write ALL of Trump’s insults, slurs, and lies in 2016, or just some of them?

Mr. Trump did a pretty good job himself in 2015 making the entire world a verbal free-fire zone, where your mouth operates unencumbered by your brain, simple decency, or financial considerations either personal or political. Each step plowed ground that would have eliminated anyone else in politics or gotten a normal person fired from their job. Acting as unrestrained as a 4-year-old child or the Clint Eastwood Gran Torino guy, his initial opening-statement slur against Mexicans… trashing John McCain’s service… attributing Megyn Kelly’s questioning him to menstruation… his ignorant, phony embrace of the Bible… irrationally attacking and mimicking a disabled reporter… lying about seeing Muslims in American on tv celebrating 9/11 then suggesting in various ways they be tracked, spied upon, rounded up and excluded from America…. those are just some A-list infractions that so far, at least, perversely strengthen a Freddy Krueger candidacy within the confines of the Republican Primary Dreamworld. Screen shot 2015-12-31 at 11.46.44 AM

Late in December, Mr. Trump, after a moment of deep, deep, self reflection: “If I don’t win, I’ll consider this a total and complete waste of time.” Want to know what a real waste of time is , Donald? Any broadcast of one of your early-evening, repetitive, self-absorbed, bragging about your polls, everyone else is a loser, hate-rallies around the country… “I saw love in that room. I see love everywhere I go….“This is great, I love it. I love it. I’ll tell you—you know, I missed—heh, heh. Thank you. Thank you.” … that will eventually end in disappointment for you and your followers. The only question remaining….are you and your minions willing to accept the inevitable?

Behold the insufferable sights and sounds of factless, free-association Trump boring into the worst instincts of racist, redneck, economically pissed and scared America under the guise of not being politically correct. As if that solves all. According to North Carolina journalist/blog guy Gary Pierce, “…those are the code words often used by Donald Trump’s supporters. Meaning what? Judging from what Trump says, it must mean, “We like it when he says things that offend people, like women, the handicapped, the poor, Hispanics, Muslims and anybody else we don’t like.” They long for the good old days before “political correctness,” when they could freely insult, belittle and make fun of anybody not like them. They fell in love when Trump claimed that President Obama wasn’t born in America. Which may be the most ignorant and bigoted strain in American politics today. Every age has its bigoted, know-nothing demagogues. George Wallace was the last to run for President. But even Wallace cloaked his bigotry as a fight against a too-powerful federal government. Trump’s ignorance and bigotry come raw. And his supporters like it raw.”

As the year ended and before the first real vote was cast anywhere, Trump declared himself the winner of the Republican nomination. This freed him up to not have to “waste his time” so much on small fry like Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio, enabling him to begin his general election campaign against Hillary Clinton. Threatening virtual proxy political assassination of Hillary via Bill, Trump made one of his very rare (sic) appearances on outside-the-beltway-favorite Fox & Friends December 28, declaring, “If Hillary thinks she can unleash her husband, with his terrible record of women abuse, while playing the women’s card on me, she’s wrong!” He then cleverly inoculated himself from criticism when he responded this way to being asked if his affairs would be fair game: “Yes, they would be,” he said in response to a question about his personal “indiscretions” while speaking to reporters aboard his personal plane before a rally in Iowa….Trump didn’t go into specifics, and reporters didn’t follow up on the question,” reports CNN. How does that work? Trump brings up the past of a guy who isn’t even on the ballot as a legitimate character issue of the person actually running, but the chicken-s— press will be afraid to go there with him about his affairs, irrespective of his saying that would be ok, for fear of a Trumper Tantrum?

Can you see where this could all lead in 2016?

If the current trend holds, Trump will be out there brandishing, with pride, this famous tabloid cover Screen shot 2015-12-31 at 11.10.25 AM from 1990….. gaining him 3 more points in the polls…. and maybe a promise to keep on producing future White House babies into his seventies, like this list of old celebrities whose sperm still gets it done.

1990… that’s before anyone ever heard of Bill and Hill around the country. In response to Trump playing I Love The Nineties, should we prepare for an update of the Clintons’ 1992 famous “60 Minutes” segment that addressed allegations that Bill had engaged in a 12-year extramarital affair Screen shot 2015-12-31 at 11.34.03 AM with Gennifer Flowers? “I’m not sitting here some little woman standing by my man like Tammy Wynette,” Hillary famously told Steve Kroft. “I’m sitting here because I love him and I respect him.”

Which brings us to the beginning of the new year and, so far, the biggest and best cheap shot on this subject Trump can hurl. He hasn’t done it as of December 31, but there’s plenty of time to get this one in: “Oh my God, did you see this thing with Bill Cosby? The women, the drugs, the arrest… the lying…. how can that wife of his hang around?…. probably the money… could be the sex!” (not even the slightest hint of irony there, of course)… “they should be locking this guy up for a thousand years, maybe two thousand…. but I gotta tell the truth….. don’t you think, when all is said and done, that they’ve gone after the wrong Bill C?… You’re smart…. you know what I’m sayin!” I don’t know what’s worse…. the idea that Trump really could say those things…. or that I’m thinking that way, too!